THE NEWSLETTER OF THEWESTMORELAND BAR ASSOCIATION

VOLUME XVIII, NUMBER 2APRIL 1, 2006

INTHISISSUE 2 8 Practice

Tips5 To Wit:by S.Sponte3 Electronic

VotingLawsuit 6 Another

FabulousContest4 Jury

TrialVerdicts

thesidebar

Westmoreland County LawyersLast In Per Capita Income

President’sMessage

In the results of a special studyrecently released by thePennsylvania Bar Association’s

LCI (Lawyers Concerned for Income)Committee, a study which gathered,processed and analyzed income datavoluntarily submitted by Pennsylvaniaattorneys, the lawyers of WestmorelandCounty were found to have the lowestper capita annual income in the state,averaging just $19,004.

Not surprisingly, PhiladelphiaCounty led the state with an averageof $93,455, followed by MontgomeryCounty ($89,727), Allegheny County($87,398) and Potter County($86,872). The report makes carefulmention that the Potter County resultscould be misleading, as the seven practicing lawyers there may have mistakenly reported the combinedsum of all their incomes.

The study was conducted over a nine-year period commencing in 1995 and was conceived of andorganized by Marcus W. Thorneberry,Esq., of Allentown, chair of the committee. “I just had this notion that lawyers elsewhere in the state were making more money than I was, and I just had to put those fears to rest,” said Thorneberry whencontacted by this reporter. “Turns out I had no reason to be concerned.I’m way near the top. You’re fromWestmoreland County, huh? You sap.”

“The biggest problem in getting thestudy off the ground,” Thorneberrywent on, “was to convince our members that it was important to reporthonestly and accurately, that it wasn’tlike dealing with the DisciplinaryCommittee. But when you took a lookat the numbers submitted to us, westill had to knock off thirty-five percent as an educated guess to satisfyourselves that the information hadsome link with reality. Even then weweren’t sure. Remember, many of ourparticipants are the same guys whoroutinely brag about getting a milliondollar verdict on a slip and fall.”

When queried about whyWestmoreland County trailed thepack, Thorneberry was vague. “I don’t

know,” he replied, “maybe it has something to do with what’s in your water—coal dust or cooties or something—who knows?”

There is not much independentdata to support or refute the findingsof the committee. When askedwhether or not attorneys were bigspenders, for instance, the managers ofthe best local restaurants provided littleinsight. “We don’t get too manylawyers in here,” one manager offered,“our prices are a bit upscale.”

The operator of a local McDonald’sdisagreed. “They always spring for thelarge fries with their Big Macs,” hesaid, “but, God, they carry out somany ketchup packs.”

Average Per Capita Annual Income for Attorneys in Pennsylvania

A special studyrecently released by the PennsylvaniaBar Association’s LCI (LawyersConcerned forIncome) Committeerevealed that the lawyers ofWestmorelandCounty have the lowest per capitaannual income in the state, averagingjust $19,004.

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continued on page 3

2 • sidebar APRIL 1, 2006

President’s Message

Hear Me Roarby Rebecca A. Brammell, Esq.

next year. I’ve become increasinglyconcerned about the lack of civilityamong our members, particularlywhen it comes to litigation. We havealways been known as a friendly,warm, loving bar association, but that tradition seems to have waned some.Maybe it’s from a plethora of outsidecounsel or a substantial influx ofyoung and uninitiated lawyers, ormaybe it’s a growing anger at the lying,thievery and treason of the Bush

administration, I don’t know. All I know is that it’s

happening.So, as your

Madame President, Iintend to go to the Board

of Judges and ask that thelocal rules be amended to mandatehugging by opposing counsel at theconclusion of every jury trial. Gee, Ithink it’s a perfectly lovely idea, justdarling, and if it has the warm andfuzzy results I anticipate, I hope toextend it to oral argument as well.

I look forward to a very special year as your president, a comfy, warm year, a year of self discovery and wonderful feelings and specialmemories, a year of communicatingand of talking, real talking, about our innermost thoughts and dreams,our hopes and aspirations.

Oh yes, lots and lots of talking. So please, anytime you just want tochat, I’m in the book ... under “B” for “Bear.”

XOXOXO

A s I take my seat onthe throne of power,I know what many

of you are wondering. I’m aquiet person, introspective, notat all confrontational, and you

are probablynot sure I cando this job. Am I right?

You may not besure I can assume themantle of absoluteauthority, that I havethe will, the strengthof character, the confidence, to carry

on in the tradition of all of the great presidents who have preceded me.Well then, permit me to reassureyou—I probably do.

Even as recently as when I enteredpractice some thirty-five or forty yearsago, the law was really a man’s world.Oh, there were a few female lawyersaround then, but they mostly did family law, maybe some estate work,and some touchy-feely real estatetransactions. But the more traditionalwork, the gritty, adversarial stuff of thelaw, that was pretty much a guy thing.Golly, you’d never see a girl trying apersonal injury case or prosecuting acriminal case or undertaking a toughquo warranto proceeding, heavens toBetsy, no.

But things have changed. We galsare now as ubiquitous as the dew onthe vine, as fully seasoned as a ripeyoung cherry tomato, waiting to beplucked and savored. Like many of mygender compadres, I have learned frommy years at the bar, I have becometough, wily, cunning. Why, in somecorners of this profession, I am knownas “Becky the Bear.”

So let me tell you straight out aboutmy tough and ambitious plans for the

On March 3, county officialsbreathed a sigh of relief whenthe Pennsylvania Supreme

Court ruled in their favor in a citizens’lawsuit which tried to stop thecounty’s acquisition of electronic votingmachines because thepurchase was notauthorized byreferendum.The purchasewas made inan effort tocomply with thefederal Help AmericaVote Act.

Now, only weeks after that decision, the county faces a secondlawsuit filed in federal court by a Cook Township citizens’ group alsointent on derailing the new votingmachines. The complaint filedThursday by Operation Vintage Votes alleges that the electronic votingmachines purchased by the countyshould not be put to use because theinverse differential frequency curveupon which these machines identifycandidates can be skewed by outsideelectronic interference from microwaveovens, but of even more concern, by iPods.

“iPods are the real threat because of their mobility” says Diane Heart-Gerbil of Carnegie MellonUniversity’s physics department. CMUis one of the leaders in studying thecollateral effects of iPod use, beginningwith their 2004 study on whether iPodradiation had an adverse affect on milkproduction in dairy cows. It was then

the sidebar is published bimonthly as a service for members of theWestmoreland Bar Association. Letters to the Editor may be sent to129 North Pennsylvania Avenue, Greensburg, PA 15601-2311, fax

724-834-6855, or e-mail westbar.org@verizon.net.

Back issues from 2000 to the present and a comprehensive, searchable index are availableonline at www.westbar.org/html/publications.

EDITORIAL BOARDDavid J. Millstein, Esq., EditorBeth Orbison, Esq., Assistant EditorThe Hon. Daniel J. Ackerman,

President Judge, Assistant PhotographerSusan C. Zellner, Associate EditorDiane Krivoniak, Managing Editor

thesidebar

learned that iPod interference couldbe detected at great distances, up totwelve miles, depending on

the direction of the wind. “On a particularly windyelection day it couldmean that votes cast in one countycould end up beingcounted in anadjoining county”said Heart-Gerbil,

“and I suppose we mightsee even some candidates

being elected to office in a jurisdiction other than their own.”

A high county official said he would ask local legislators to pass a bill

A side-by-side comparison of theincome tables with the general popula-tion/lawyer ratio county by countyonly dims the picture. WestmorelandCounty has a ratio of 750:1, aboutaverage when compared to other counties in the state. Yet the per capitaincome puts it at the bottom of the list.

“I think I know the answer,” saidJim Silvis, outgoing president of theWBA. “We just don’t charge enough.At our next board meeting, I’m going

to suggest that we simply all doubleour hourly rates. That should put usnear the top, and that’s where wedeserve to be.”

The WBA Board of Directors isexpected to unanimously endorse theSilvis Plan at its next meeting, sched-uled to be held at the Wendy’s out onRoute 30. “And who knows,” says Ex-President Silvis, “by next year atthis time, if smarter heads prevail, theboard could be meeting at Mt. View.”

Westmoreland CountyLawyers Last In Incomecontinued from page 1

banningthe use of iPods on

election day, which,in turn, prompted the ACLU toannounce that it would seek to inter-vene in the federal action on behalf of iPod-users everywhere. A similarresponse is expected from the Leagueof Teenage Voters. A spokesperson forthe league stated, “Only half of theadults are registered to vote anyway,and of those, only 20 to 50 percentactually go to the polls, so what’s thedeal? It’s not like we are hurting themajority if the iPods tip a vote thisway or that. If we were in the MiddleEast, where there was really a highvoter turnout, it might be different.”

Preliminary objections seeking todismiss the suit will be argued April 20.

County Sued Again OverElectronic Voting

APRIL 1, 2006 sidebar • 3

4 • sidebar APRIL 1, 2006

Of the multitude of cases calledfor the most recent Civil JuryTrial Term, a whole bunch

settled, a few were continued, one wasbogus, two were scheduled but nobodyshowed up, one was transferred toarbitration because the judges didn’twant to be bothered with it, and twowere actually argued in front of juries.One resulted in an exorbitant awardon a counterclaim verdict and theother resulted in a mistrial. They aresummarized below.

MELISSA PLANKTON,

ADMINISTRATRIXOF THE ESTATE

OF EDWARDPLANKTON,DECEASED

V.COMMONWEALTH

OF PENNSYLVANIA,DEPARTMENT OF

TRANSPORTATIONNO. 10182 OF 2002

Cause of Action: Wrongful Death and Survival—Negligence

A Westmoreland County jury hasawarded a $1 million verdict in favor ofPennDOT and against the estate of aprominent Greensburg lawyer whosesilver BMW crashed into a bridgeabutment on Route 30 in 2001. Thesuit was initiated as a wrongful deathaction, but the jury found in favor ofDOT’s counterclaim and awardeddamages to DOT for clean up, repairingthe abutment, barrel placement andovertime for 28 flagmen. A DOTspokesperson described the verdict as“adequate.”

The driver and decedent, EdwardPlankton, was well-known for hisflashy television advertisements inwhich he solicited prospective clientswho may have been injured by smallappliances.

Defendant’s/Counterclaim Plaintiff ’sCounsel: George A. Custer, VI, DeputyAttorney General

Trial Judge: The Hon. Gary P.Caruso

JOHN AND PATRICIA OOZEV.

CARL AND ANGELA FOGNO. 9874 OF 2000

Cause of Action: Property Dispute

While no verdict was returned, the jury in this case left no doubt as towhere it stood in a boundary line dispute brought before it in February.The action was a contest betweenadjoining landowners in UnityTownship concerning a disputed parcel421 feet long and 31/4 inches wide,and was preceded by a history of boobytraps, shouting matches laced with profane and evocative utterances and at least three visits by the state police.

On the afternoon of the fourth day of trial, while a surveyor, only thesecond witness in the Plaintiffs’ case,was being questioned about an arcaneeasement, juror number six in a splitsecond and with cat-like movements,undid his necktie and leaped from thejury box, wrapping the cravat aroundthe neck of Plaintiffs’ counsel shout-ing, “enough, enough.” This breach ofdecorum brought wild and sustainedapplause from the other eleven jurorsand some court personnel.

The trial judge declared a mistrial,thanked the jurors profusely for theirservice, and, after some hasty calculationsinvolving the life expectations of the parties, as well as his own, rescheduledthe trial for the November term, 2031.

Plaintiffs’ Counsel: Leonard Rods,Arc, Rods and Ironpin, Latrobe

Defendants’ Counsel: Jean Acre,Perches and Acre, Gbg.

Trial Judge: The Hon. William J.Ober

Plankton’s estate initiated the lawsuit with wrongful death and survival actions, contending that DOTwas negligent in failing to providesigns warning the motoring public of the adverse effect likely to be causedby striking a bridge abutment. DOTthen joined Bavarian Motor Works,the German manufacturer of the decedent’s automobile, as an additionaldefendant for designing and manufac-turing a pretentious vehicle. BMWwas subsequently let out of the case on its motion for summary judgment.

DOT’s successful counterclaim was based upon the coupling of twoancient legal doctrines, res ipsa loquitorand res immobles (literally, driving intoimmovable things is bad). The juryrejected DOT’s bid for punitive damages based upon DOT’s contention that the filing of the lawsuit “hurt their feelings.”

Plaintiff ’s counsel indicated thatpost-trial motions have been filed in the hope that a new trial will beawarded for frequent errors committedby the trial judge. He admits, however,that if a new trial is granted, he wouldchart a different course. “I was overlyoptimistic in bringing this case to ajury,” he said. “If we get a new trial, I will lower our demand to get underthe limits for compulsory arbitration.One has to be realistic; verdicts are notwhat they used to be.”

The $1 million verdict consisted of $990,000 to DOT and $5,000 eachto the wives of two flagmen for loss ofconsortium.

The trial judge told the jury thatthe verdict was the highest everreturned in his courtroom andexceeded what had been the highestverdict by $950,000 (a 1986 case inwhich 14 plaintiffs were seriouslyinjured by a train derailment).

Plaintiff ’s Counsel: Fritz Drang,Sturm und Drang, P.C., Pgh.

A Recent Trial Term

Jury Trial Verdictsby Norm DePlume, Esq., Senior Judge Trainee

▲

Norm DePlume

by S. Sponte, Esq.

Once again, as it’s time to take pen in hand, I approachthe experience with great

trepidation. You may think, after all these years of lambasting my profession and my colleagues onaccount of their various and sundryidiosyncrasies, that I actually enjoydoing it. Well, let me assure you that nothing could be further from the truth.

You see, I like my colleagues, Ireally do, every last one of them. Infact, I’ve never met one I didn’t like or respect or think, “gee, what a wonderfully smart guy/gal.”

And judges? Oh, you gotta’ love‘em. I mean we all learned in lawschool that judges were just likelawyers, only much smarter, wiser,more patient, truly the cream of theprofessional crop. And if my thirty-five

to do, and I stillregret it that theappellate courtsagreed with me and refused to open the judgment.

And the colleague who simply made upcase citations in abrief, I owe you anapology, too. What was I thinkingwhen I made fun of you? And me sucha fan of creative writing.

So I’ve decided, here and now, topublicly apologize to each and everyone of you. I’m sorry, mea culpa, meaculpa, can you ever forgive me?

I will never, ever, do it again. I loveyou all.

© 2006, S. Sponte, Esq. Can’t get enough Sponte? More articles

are online at www.funnylawyer.com.

years at the bar have taught me anything, it’s that, yes, judges are the best of our breed, an unyieldingtestament to the notion that votersalways know best when it comes toselecting their jurists.

So why, you may ask, have I spentso much time and effort lambasting so many people I adore? I just don’tknow. I’ve spent years in therapy trying to figure that one out. All I cansay about it is that I’m sorry.

Can you ever forgive me? You, thecolleague who once argued in courtthat the Statute of Frauds only appliedto a seller and not your client, thebuyer, please forgive me for mockingyou.

And you, the colleague who was so incensed when I took a defaultjudgment that you refused to dignifymy conduct by filing a timely petitionto open, can you ever forgive me forparodying you? It wasn’t a nice thing

APRIL 1, 2006 sidebar • 5

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To-Wit:The Devil Made Me Do It

MATCH THE QUOTE WITH THE JUDGE AND WRITE THE CORRESPONDING LETTER NEXTTO THE JUDGES’ PICTURES ONTHE ENTRY FORM TO THE RIGHT.

“Huh?”

“Woo woo woo woo woo, yuck yuck yuck.”

“It walks like a duck, smells like a duck, looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, but I still say it’s asparagus.”

“Yes, I am the judge, sweetie, but you can call me ‘Pookums.’”

“And even though Mom is an alcoholic, drug addicted prostitute,she makes for a much better custodial parent than Dad, who is a man.”

“So this is the courthouse.”

“My clerk tells me that the Rule in Shelley’s Case has been abolished in Pennsylvania.So let’s go with that.”

“As Justice Frankfurter astutelyobserved, knowledge comes so infrequently that it ought not to berejected merely because it arriveslate. No more mayonaisse on mycorned beef.”

“I love the smell of hair balm in themorning.”

“Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. *snort*What? Oh. Sustained! Zzzzzzzzz.”

“I give up. Now I know exactly what Mark Twain meant when he said, ‘The more you explain it, the more I don’t understand it.’Case dismissed.”

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It is a sad and unalterable fact of lifethat a judge’s career only beginsafter election. Oh, would that their

election was the culmination of theircareer rather than its commencement.Then they wouldn’t have to say aword. Then we’d have ever so muchless to worry about.

But once elected, it is a judge’s role to pontificate, and, by God, that’swhat they do. They talk, they write,they give speeches, and, alas, it is bythat conduct that they make their reputations—and our laws.

Various and assorted pundits haveopined that we are most fortunate inthis county to have a good bench, anable bench, a fair and just bench. Yeah,well, what planet are they from?

In order to better prove the point,we, the editorial staff of the sidebar 1

have put together a collection of inestimable quotes from our bench2,the better by which to make our point.

See if you can figure out whichquote belongs to which judge. Somecome from opinions, some come fromstatements made on the bench andsome come from casual conversations.Others may be totally without responsible attribution. It is your task to separate the weed from thechafe in this matter.

Match the quote to the jurist fromwhom it emanates and you could win a prize. First prize is an all-expense-paid trip for two to Washington, D.C.,to personally attend oral argument atthe United States Supreme Court.There you will get to experience first-hand the wit and wisdom of JusticeClarence Thomas, the fountainhead ofjudicial folderol.

Second prize is an all-expense-paidtour of the judicial offices of all thelocal magistrates. Take it from us, youreally don’t want to come in second.

6 • sidebar APRIL 1, 2006

the sidebar’s

GreatAnnual

“And Then

I Said”Contest

____________1 It should be noted that the Editor did not have any hand in this piece

mocking the judges. “It’s thoroughly unprofessional,” he groused, and he disavows any responsibility.

2 Unlike other contests, we are only including the non-senior jurists of ourCourt of Common Pleas in this one. Why? We’re tired, that’s why.

APRIL 1, 2006 sidebar • 7

NAME____________________________________________________________________

PHONE __________________________________________________________________

Please fax form to (724) 834-6855 or mail to WBA, 129 N. Pennsylvania Ave., Greensburg, PA 15601-2311, by April 1, 2006.

Late entries will not be accepted under any circumstances.

JudgeAckerman

JudgeBell

JudgeBlahovec

JudgeCaruso

JudgeDriscoll

JudgeFeliciani

JudgeHathaway

JudgeMarsili

JudgeMcCormick

JudgeOber

JudgePezze

the sidebar’s Great Annual “And Then I Said” Contest

MATCH THE QUOTE ON PAGE 6 WITH THE JUDGE WHO SAID IT AND WRITE THE CORRESPONDING LETTER NEXT TO THE JUDGES’ PICTURES BELOW.

by The Hon. Cyrus Mitten

It will come as no surprise to thoseacquainted with civil litigation that the rising costs associated

with a lawsuit are primarily due to the expanding abuse of the discoveryrules. Lawyers and clients alike areburned out by the unending flow ofinterrogatories trying to uncover

minute and, in mostinstances, insignificantinformation. TheWallStreet Journal hasreported that in 2005twenty percent ofUnited Parcel Service’sbusiness is devoted to shipping interroga-tories and requests foradmissions.

Recognizing thatdiscovery was about to

implode civil court, the PennsylvaniaSupreme Court enacted Pa.R.C.P.4026, which became effective the firstof the year. The new rule boldly movesthe courts into the 21st Century. Itprovides that any party or their counselmay waive traditional discovery proce-dures by agreeing to the installation ofELDs (Electronic Listening Devices)in their businesses, homes, vehicles or

legs it eventually might lead to complete abolition of discovery.Pennsylvania could then adopt theTBA (Trial By Ambush) Program

which already has received wide-spread acceptance in

Kentuckyby boththe bench,the barand thepublic. As a trialjudge,

that day cannot come soonenough for me.

Editor’s note: The Honorable CyrusMitten has the distinction of being both the newest judge on the Court ofCommon Pleas and its oldest. JudgeMitten was appointed by the governorand took the oath after lengthy confirmation proceedings in the senate. He fills a vacancy created by the death of Judge Charles E. Whitten in 1942. (See the sidebar, Nov-Dec 1942.)

beach houses. Instead of answering allthose inane questions, a party will nowsimply have all their conversationsrecorded by their opponent until theend of the litigation.

That’s fine, you say, but whathappens when aparty goes on vacation and isaway from theELDs? Subsection(c) of the rule pro-vides that vacationsmust be precededby twenty dayswritten notice during which timeopposing counsel can file what isingenuously called a Subsection (c)Petition. This procedure sets up a hearing to determine if the court, in itsdiscretion, should order the departingparty to purchase a coach ticket foropposing counsel. The comment tothe rule emphasizes the intent of making litigation “more fun andrelaxed for all involved.”

Some court watchers are predictingthat if the Court’s emphasis on fun has

8 • sidebar APRIL 1, 2006

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The Hon. Cyrus Mitten

LawSpeak“Gee, forty percent doesn’tseem like quite enough. Tell youwhat, you take sixty-five percentand I’ll take thirty-five percent. Iwasn’t hurt that bad and I reallywant you to be my lawyer. No,make it seventy percent.”

— Oakey, Cary,“Practicing Law InHeaven,” True TruthPress, (2006)

Madeline is out on work release andcooking the late shift. She’s got atwelfth herb or spice she adds. I don’tknow what it is, but it sure gets myhair to sweating. Andif she likes you, she’llgive you an extra roll.

ROLLO’SThe best soup in

Harrison City.Vegetable, chicken,vichyssoise, I don’tknow what makesthem all so darnedspecial but I do knowthey get their waterfrom the crick out back.

THE LAIRLocated in an alley in Jeannette,

The Lair specializes in crabs, and no,not the kind you usually associate withthe alleyways of Jeannette.

cheese ones and onion ones and pruneones, and I usually eat there whenCranky Sue is having one of her bad days and doesn’t much feel likecooking me dinner. I eat there prettyregular, but afterwards, there isn’t anything regular about me at all.Those darling delicacies of dough staywith me a long, long time. The bestthing about it is I don’t have to botherCranky Sue to fix me breakfast nextmorning. I wake up good to go, in amanner of speaking, and she gets tosleep in. She likes that.

KENTUCKY FRIED CHICKEN,NEW STANTON

This palace of pleasure is one of thebest kept secrets about New Stanton.Located just a squawk and a cluckfrom the highway, they serve upbreasts and thighs the way God andthe Colonel intended: hot, juicy andsoaking in grease. You’d do well to gothere on Thursdays for dinner when

APRIL 1, 2006 sidebar • 9

placemat Where Have You Been Eating?

▲

Harley Quinn

by Harley Quinn, Esq.

Gee, when the sidebar folk askedme to do a restaurant review, I was so excited. No one

has ever asked for my opinion onrestaurants before. Heck, no one has ever asked for my opinion aboutanything before. That’s mostly onaccount of Cranky Sue. That’s what Icall the missus, Cranky Sue. She don’tlike it when I talk too much. Like she’salways tellin’ me, “Unless you’re fixin’to put food in it, you’d do best to keepyour mouth shut.”

But I don’t think she’ll mind toomuch my talking about my favoriterestaurants. So here goes.

CHEZ PIERMy all-time favorite place to eat. It

isn’t named for the cook or the owneror anything, it’s for the specialty of thehouse—pierogies. Oh, and are theyyummy. They got potato ones and continued on page 10

Off-Shore BankingInsurance FraudTrust MismanagementMoney LaunderingRisky Investments

1-800-TRUST-USwww.LastResortBank.com

Equal Opportunity Defrauder

by Richard Stough, Esq.

I try as much as possible to be eclectic in my readinghabits. My reading, like my law practice, is broad butnot deep. After making out this list I now see that

I am more likely to choose non-fiction over fiction. I canprobably attribute that to my college days as a history major.

Some of the books I am recommendingappeared on best seller lists, others are moreobscure. I hope you will share with me thepleasure of reading them.

THE DELUCA CODE ❖ by DanielBraun ❖ A secret society of probate judgesin Palermo is threatened by the investigationof Professor Robert Longwell, who is aidedby clues discerned from ceramic tile workby the medieval master artisan, GiuseppeDeLuca, and his son, Freddy. A taut thrillerthat you will not want to put down. Avoidthe movie, unless you don’t mind spoilingthe unexpected ending.

THE SIEGE OF HOSTETTER ❖ by Donald Rigone andIrving Bloom ❖ Gettysburg and Chambersburg were not theonly Pennsylvania sites to feel the sting of invasion by the

Confederate army. Rigone and Bloom have collaborated inthis masterful work to tell the little-known story of thetwelve days in June 1864, when General Jubal Early and his troops marched into Unity Township and attempted todestroy the Union canteen works at Hostetter. The failure ofEarly’s mission has never been given its due as a significantfactor in the war’s outcome.

THE FIGHTING GRIFFINS ❖ by Lou Anne Rockney ❖The complete and unabridged history of the storied footballprogram at Seton Hill University. Sports fans will love it.

THE WORLD IS FAT ❖ by Kermit Gern ❖ The story ofthe unimaginable task facing the 19th century surveyors whoattempted to find and paint the equator.

THE ART OF BEING OBNOXIOUS ❖ by Philip Screed ❖Why be nice to people, it just doesn’t pay. The author, anoted psychologist, sets forth in beautiful simplicity how toturn offensive conduct to your advantage. The best self-helpbook I’ve read in years.

SPRING COMES TO ANTARCTICA ❖ by Joyce Purse ❖A novel about a dog, a penguin, a boy and a piece of cheesethat will warm the hearts of all readers regardless of age.

SALTLICK ❖ by Ralph Woodward and Jerry Bernstein ❖A brilliant exposure by seasoned journalists of the industry’sattempt to crush the fledgling United Pretzel WorkersUnion. Full of twists and turns.

MR. RODENT AND THE TALLEST TREE ❖ by BlanchUpright ❖ A children’s book that my kids just love. It is acollection of poems from around the world inspired by theSuperior Court opinion ruling on one rodent’s quest forfreedom.

A GUIDE TO URBAN CAMPING ❖ by Matt Roughoff ❖Travel is my favorite pastime. In this beautifully illustratedguide you will find where you can pitch a tent in metropoli-tan areas, all within walking distances of museums, policestations and emergency rooms. It lists the 50 top urbancampsites in North America. The top three are Cleveland,Guadalajara, and Winnipeg. Pittsburgh (No. 37) is noted forthe quality of its underpasses.

10 • sidebar APRIL 1, 2006

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Placematcontinued from page 9

wba news

CommitteeReports• BENCH/BAR COMMITTEE: Citing

crushing pressure from the WBAGirls Auxiliary, attendance at thisyear’s Bench/Bar has been openedup to include spouses. Co-ChairJacquelyn Knupp has already withdrawn her reservation. “Hey,”she said, “my husband’s a nice guyand all, but damn, I can’t party withhim around.” The registration dead-line has been extended to June 15due to an unexpectedly large num-ber of other canceled reservations.

• PLANNING COMMITTEE: ThePlanning Committee has voted tomove this year’s annual retreat to anew site. The Committee has heldtheir retreat in Annapolis, Md., forthe last 17 years but when advisedthat neither Richard Galloway norhis boat were able to attend thisyear’s retreat, they unanimouslyagreed to look elsewhere. “Same oldstory,” grumbled one member ofthe Committee, “without a Dick,we ain’t got boat.”

permitted, as it has been creating abottleneck in the corridor. “Peopleare stopping to gawk and stare,” hesays. “What, haven’t you got anynice-looking members? Damn, what a repulsive group.”

• OUTREACH AND SCHOLARSHIPCOMMITTEE: Sadly, theCommittee has barred theGreensburg-Salem School DistrictTeam from further participation in the Mock Trial Competitionbecause of cheating. “Apparentlytheir head coach tried to bribe allsix of the Common Pleas judgeswho volunteered to try cases for the kids,” reports the Chair, “andtwo of them reported it to us.”

• PROCEDURAL RULESCOMMITTEE: A new local rule has been adopted, effective April 1,2006, changing the seniority system. Instead of seniority beingcalculated based upon an attorney’syears in practice, it will hereafter be based on IQ. Because theCommittee wrote its new rule using many multisyllabic words, no one has yet complained.

• LCL COMMITTEE: Facing criticismthat it is an elitist organization, limiting its attention to such“monied” disorders as alcohol and substance abuse, the LCLCommittee has agreed to expand its purview to include pride, envy,gluttony, lust, anger, greed, andsloth. “That should satisfy all theegalitarian nuts out there,” saysJudge Irving Bloom, head of thegroup. “Almost everyone can afford illicit nookie.

• ACTIVITIES COMMITTEE: In deference to the commitment andobjectives of the LCL Committee,alcoholic beverages will no longerbe served at any WBA social functions. In addition, theCommittee plans to recommend to the Board of Judges that the burden of proof be abandoned in all future court proceedings.

• COURTS COMMITTEE: PaulKuntz, Court Administrator, hasadvised that the posting of WBAphotographs on the bulletin boardbetween the old and the newCourthouse will no longer be

APRIL 1, 2006 sidebar • 11

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Lawyers’ Exchange(Free to all members of the WBA who paid their dues)

Schedule ofUpcoming CLEs

APRIL4 George W. Bush and the Bill

of Rights—A Snack andLearn

15 The Wit and Wisdom of theMinor Judiciary

21 A Primer on OfficeEfficiency, Part IX—Dating Your Secretary

MAY9 Let’s Be Friends—A Weekend

Retreat with the DisciplinaryCommittee

15 Sexual Harassment in the Workplace—What’s the Fuss?

22 Representing the Poor forFun and Profit

APRIL

1 April Fool’s Day

3 Elder Law CommitteeTopic: “The Challenges of Memory Failure”

4 Elder Law CommitteeTopic: “The Challenges of Memory Failure”

7 Family Law CommitteeTopic: “Recalling the Fun of Fault Divorce”—a slideshow presentation

14 Inn of Court Pupilage Group No. 4“The Scatological Humor of OurBoard of Judges”—a musical review

25 Courthouse closed in mourningfor repeal of judicial pay raise.Flags at half mast.

12 • sidebar APRIL 1, 2006

Westmoreland Bar Association129 North Pennsylvania AvenueGreensburg, PA 15601-2311

PRESORTEDSTANDARD

U.S. POSTAGE

PAIDGREENSBURG, PA

PERMIT #678

C A L E N D A R O F E V E N T S L C L C O R N E R

• A new two-step recovery program has been successfullylaunched in two beta sitesthroughout the Commonwealthand is now ready for testinghere. Combining elements of both medieval implementsand ancient Chinese watertreatments, the plan has been lauded for the rapid andefficacious manner in which itenables substance abusers tofind the wherewithal to stop.For the exact location of thenext LCL meeting, call theWBA office and when a voicesays, “Do pigeons fly by night?”please reply, “Irv sent me,” andwait for further instructions.

• LCL has a new website atwww.wtfitmwy.org. There you can find information onalcoholism, drug abuse,depression, sexual addictions,gambling compulsions andother assorted hobbies.

MAY

9 Annual Spring Dance, ClimaxGentlemen’s Club, Rte. 22, SalemTownship. Dress optional.

11 CLE presentation by Bankruptcy CommitteeTopic: “Debtor’s Prison—TheAdministration’s Latest Effort atReform”

17 Young Lawyers CommitteeTopic: “Jell-O Shots—Better ThanSex Alone, Or Not?”

25 Courthouse closed in observanceof Christmas (Roman, Greek,Russian), Chanukah, Kwanzaa,Festivus, National Holiday, and,oh God (or Allah), every otherreal or imagined reason that any-one anywhere could possibly haveto celebrate anything that occursnow or within any reasonableproximity to now.