8/6/2019 Weep for the Future

1/8

weep(FOR THE FUTURE!)

lives in a decommisioned missile silo

commmunication software engineer

retired re-education terrorist

curator of cold war museum

avid model hobbyist

militant gun owner

phD in History

issue sixdistribute

atyour

ownperil

sevenfactsaboutoursubject

hasslein

Q: Not so much a question, tell us a bit about your-

self.

A: Ill just begin by saying, this country sucks, and

the whole world by extension of our intellectual enter-

tainment umbrella imperial domain, sucks. Ive spent

my whole life trying to do something to make it bet-

ter, and Im tired of people telling me I dont have the

right to say, this country sucks. Im an activist, its

in my blood to desire change, to live my life accord-

ing to principle. I hurt people that tell me to shut up,

so remember that. But I wont hurt people who have

a difference of opinion. I welcome discourse and dis-

cussion. As long as youre not repeating the corporate

line, the company motto, the religious credo, youre

okay in my book. And Ill even forgive the company

motto, because I realize some of you

work hard and hard work is beautiful,

even when it is for the sole benet of a

faceless demon that devours all that is

good and right.

Q: Were in an underground missile silo,right?

A: Yes we are. I call it home. 40,000

square feet of home. The government

was selling a bunch of these off for a

steal twenty or so years ago. I put a down

payment on one and didnt look back.

Took a lot of work to get it habitable.

People had to come in and clean out the

asbestos, and there was ooding, rusting

metal. And the concrete walls are a bitch

to work with. But I have my own theater

in here. And music studio. I collect cold

war relics, got hundreds of museumquality pieces, spy stuff, historical docu-

ments, and I have a Dr. Strangelove Nuke

Ride. You can program in whatever city

you want to bomb and Yeehaw on down

the bomb bay doors. Its great. You can

be Slim Pickens.

Q: Can you tell us how you subverted

E/D back in the early days?

A: Right, youth. I worked for one of

the big companies that was developing

security software for it. Wed started

in email encryption and the like, and

naturally moved to E/D. I was in a unique posi-

tion and made all sorts of vague ethical decisions

early on. I and a bunch of others programmed in

major loopholes and backdoors which eventually

got leaked to hacker types a few years later. I was

naturally educated, obviously. Id worked my butt

off. Side note, programming is still one of thoseskills that naturally educated people are still the

best for. But anyways, what I did was career sui-

cide and I served six months for related offenses.

A bunch of underground organizations funded

my defense, helped me out in every way possible,

and I sort of took up a leadership role upon my

release. I never advocated any grievous bodily

harm, I was more into fucking with the system,

throwing wrenches in the cogs of the machinery.

We had a lot of success, but the world is evolu-

tionary. Perhaps de-evolutionary at this point. We

can ght all we want, I just dont see where this is

going any more.

Q: Thats a pretty bold statement from a folk hero

of sorts. What do you advocate now?

A: Live your life how you want to live it. If any-

one fucks with you, fuck with them back. Show

them you still matter, you still stand for some-

thing. Dont give in, resist that impulse with all

your might, giving in is for chumps. Us naturals

have become something of a curious relic. So be

it. When whatever plague must eventually rise

up to infect E/D, at least well still be here, and

wholl be so goddamn smart then.

Q: Thanks for your time.

interview with

8/6/2019 Weep for the Future

2/8

Thereisafundamentalprob-

lemwithtrepanation.Peopledie.You

havetobewillingtoacceptthis

facteverytimeyouputanelectric

drilltotheirskullandpullthe

trigger.Peopledie.

IvekilledfourpeoplethatI

knowof.Itismessynomatterhowit

goesdown.Youwillsmellaeraeted

eshandboneandgreaseandsweat.

Youpushtoohard,dontpushhard

enough.Diggingtoodeepisalwaysa

problem.Itsariskyscenario,play-

ingwithjuiceandmeatandelec-

tricty.Theelectricdrillneedsthat

necessaryweight,heft.Youneedto

useyourshoulder,yourwholebodyto

controlpenetration.Makesureyo

u

arefullycharged,dontwantitto

dieonyou,getstuckinthere.Dont

rushit.Workinteamsoftwoifyou

haveto.Ithelpstohaveapartner

tokeepthemdown,holdthemstill.

Becausetheywillghtandwriggle

andscream.Ioncehadadrillbit

glanceoffagirlsskull,therewas

anewmetalboxinside.Itoreopen

herscalp.Shewasscreaming,try-

ingtoholdherapofeshon.Blood

fromtheheadpoursfastestofall,a

showerfromtheinsidedrenchingus

both.

Yesweareterrorists.Weat-

tackthemintheopen.Assault

theirpreciousheads.Becausein-

sidelivesourenemy.Ourpur-

poseistostopthedeathofedu-

cation.Todothatwemustdestroy

E/D.Wemustbringbackthepurity

ofthoughtandlearnedintellect.We

mustnotloseouressentialhumanity.

letter from the editor

Stdr

plannED commUNITY

(from a newsfeed post)

Forgive this angry missive, but

you people must stop. Not only

will you be found out, you will bepunished by god and government. I

appeal to your essential humanity,

put down your tools of hate and live

peacefully. Make great works be-

cause of your denied potential, not

in spite of. This world is big enough

for everyone. Let us live and learn

how we will, open yourself up to

the full potential of thought.

(protest announcement)West Coast. State Capitols. Be

strong and represent. Vote NO in

Government Loans and Grants

for E/D Students, raise awareness

about Accredited Learning Dis-

crimination, organize demonstra-

tions and trepanation efgies. Be a

body, be a mind.

8/6/2019 Weep for the Future

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(capsule book review)

Treyarch Adrift is a near-mas-

terpiece of grunge squalor living,

dealing with important resistance

themes and iconography. The his-

tory of the old student movement is

captured in vivid detail, capturingmoments of heart-rending depth

and beauty. Perhaps the rst roman-

sbildung of the anti-E/D generation,

the artist as ever more an outsider

having to make her own connec-

tion to great traditions.

Recommended and

worthy of merit and

discussion.

(on religion)I have been working

in a orphanage in an

economically recessed

part of Florida. The

children here all speak

very little English and

will probably never

have the opportunity

to get an education,

E/D or otherwise. Butthe curious thing Ive

noticed is they have a

secret form of commu-

nity, religion, all based

around The Blue Lady

(Virgin Mary?) and La

Llarona. They talk about a war go-

ing on between angels and demons

in the slums, the ghosts of their

family members ghting for one

side or the other. They see our graf-ti and interpret it as miraculous

text. They add to it with their own

burners, and discover our move-

ment, because they want to read

and decipher the hidden meaning.

Perhaps there is something here I

am missing. Just thought Id pass

this along.

(on corporations)

Every month I get a job at a new

corporate empire. This months is,

heres a hint, named after a Her-

man Melville character from Moby

Dick. I am underpaid, but I get

great benets. They are also keento give us lots of corporate schwag.

Free music, movies, and of course,

coffee. This month, theyre push-

ing a new E/D program, which I

have great reservations about. Im

still natural, but I really

only just turned twenty,

and I really dont want to

think about committing

to making the transition.

Their new program is

this, an exclusive series

of on-going artistic,

educational, intellectu-

ally stimulating E/D

programs you can enjoy

while sitting around

drinking your latte. The

longer you spend drink-

ing there, the more youll

be able to appreciate andlearn. I guess thats just

another hook into the

pocket of the consumer,

but whatever. Im really

getting fed up with this.

You cant go anywhere

now without it being shoved down

your throat. The irony is that the

company really cant afford to hire

anyone with E/D, so theyre recruit-

ing people right around that adop-tion period in hopes theyll stay

on-board. Get them while theyre

young, poor and impressionable.

The few kids who have E/D are to-

tal snobs and are already managers.

Good thing, because they sucked at

making coffee.

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Jesus, he doesnt know what to tell her.

Hedrinksaloneinhisroom,thinking

abouttheirbodies,howtheydnotreallyar-

rangedthemselves,justtogetthekillingdone

quick,becausetheywerescaredandunsympa-

thetic,ruthlesswiththemselves,eagertobe

doneandgonefromitall.Theydplannedit

outlikeitwasthisterriblyimportantarcaneritual,whichitmayhapbecamebecauseoftheir

fastidiousness,everystepexcruciating,car-

riedthroughtoquestionablefruitionbecause

theydbackedthemselvesintothatcorner,and

therewasonlyonepossiblewaytothatvery

outcome.Realizetheydbeenignored,unforgiv-

able,becausetheywerebrilliantandsoin-

crediblylearned,andtogethertheyhadcometo

theawful,pitifulconclusion-changewascom-

ingandtherewasnothingtheycoulddotostop

it.

Hehadheardtheshots,hehadgoneup

running.Thelongspiralstaircase,echoing

withgunshotaftergunshot.Whyherantotheshotsinsteadofawayfrom?Deepdownheknew

whatwashappening.Hedtriedtoignoretheir

wordsandcasualthreats.Healmostthought

himselfapartoftheirinnercircle.Whenhe

gottothedooranditwaslocked,hecalled

outtowhoeverwasinside.Alonevoicesaidgo

away.Notacommand,itwastoodefeatedfor

that,toobrokentomeananything.Itwassoak-

ing in murder/suicide, expectant of nality.

Whentheybrokedownthedoorafterthat

lastlonesomeshot-onewasslumpedinthe

cornerofthetower,holdingabookinfront

ofhisface.Thebulletgonerightthroughthe

both,theslantofthedeathslumpoffsetting

everything.ThebookUlysses,thefacebelonged

toProf.RichardDawes.

Thatwashowtheydidit.RussianRou-

lette. Each of them got a bullet to re into

theirbestfriendandcolleague.Thelasthad

todohimself.HisnamewasIdaStern,adoc-

toroflinguistics.Heputtherevolverin-

sidehismouthandblewatinywhistlinghole

throughhispalate.Thewindowswereopen,it

wasabeautifuldayoutside.Thestudentsnever

gotupfromtheirpicnicblanketsuntilsirens

usheredthemoffthelawns.

He looks at these words and reminds himself

to clarify some details later. These are just

notes, he writes.

Shewasalover,alargeandbeautiful

presencehehadcometoknowandforgetlike

earlychildhood.Somuchofherwastobefor-

gotten,thisheacceptedandcherished.They

bothworkedforamannamedDonWallerwhowas

oneofthosethatdied,thethirdwhokilled

thesecond,AliceEwing,whotheylaternamed

awingafter,whowouldhavehatedthisactof

charity.Shewantednothingmoretodowithed-

ucation. Funny that she was rst when they had

drawnstraws.RosaGutierrez,braverthanmost,

despite knowing shed be the rst, proud of her

lot.

Thattheywerescrewing,allthreeof

theminsomecasualintermittentfashion,

shouldcomeasnosurprise.HimandHerand

ProfessorWaller.Theywereallatthatage,

notphysicallybutmentally,whenbodyandpol-

iticwasaneducationinandofitself.Theydsipwineanddineoutandspendeveningsin,

shiftingaroundeachotherlikesomuchtradi-

tion.Therewasprecedencetothis.Theylived

inahouseeightblocksfromcampusthathada

historysickwithbroken-down-made-newexcess.

Hetracedalinebackthroughpasttenants,

pasttense.Hewaspainfullypartofthehazy

traditionofsmokingoutontheporch,mak-

ingoutinthecentraldownstairsbathroomthat

neverstoppedsmellingofopium,re-arrang-

ingtimelessstudentartworknot-masterpieces

thatlivedinthathomelongerthananyofthem

addeduptogether.

Heremembersatimewhentheyhada

smallparty.Abunchofpeopleweretry-

ing mushrooms for the rst time. Things got a

littlecrazyaroundoneinthemorning.Some

jackasswasupstairsyellingoutthewindow,

Knowledge for All!Andtheywereallafraid

thecopswouldbustthingsup,sotheywere

hushedtogetherconspiratoriallywiththat

sillyscaryparanoia.Shewasthestrongone,

soshebecametheadultforamoment,thede

facto authority gure. So she was the one who

dealt with the jackass, soothed his misr-

ingmind.Theydgroupedtogetherdownstairs,

becomehive-like,cliquishintheirdealings

ofthejackass.Shewasthetranscendentone,

thesoothsayer.Shegothimoutofthatup-

stairsbedroom,laidhimoutonthecouchand

talkedtohim,pettedhiminawayhewasnot

tooconsciouslyweirdwith.Theyallsataround

listeningtomusic,wishingshewoulddealwith

theminsuchaway,jealousofhisoutrageous-

ness.

Hewastripping,imaginedthepaintings

shiftingbackwardsthroughtheyears.Thewalls

atimelapsephotographofallthathadcome

before.Heremembersthesmallpersonaldramas

whenhethinksabouther,shewasswirlinginit,kneedeepinsomuchquagmiredbullshit.

Peoplewerefallinginloveandlustwithher

everyotherday,whichshedidntgiveasec-

ondthought.Itwasallsocasual,thestrang-

ershedwakeuptosharehisspacewith,whod

feeltheirwayaroundhiskitchen,hisbath-

room.Misplacedcoffeecontainersandtooth-

brushes. Their strange ngerprints on every-

thing,herstrangecontroloverthechaosof

theirbodies,alljumbledupuglyunshavenin

theafternoonlightofemergence,exhausted

contentedhalfnakedunawares.Theirembar-

rassedlaughter,theuncomfortabilityofhim

rote

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lookingandjudging,theirresignedwhateverof

itman.

He writes by hand, we all knew it was coming.

Togeneralizeforsimplicityssake,itwason

thelipsofeveryone.

Itthreatenedtheveryinstitutionofeduca-

tion.

Itwouldchangetheworld.

Itwastechnology,itwasanidea,itwasev-erything,nothing.

Theageofmodularmemory,E/D.

Eidetic/Didactic.

Whenonecouldliterallybuyaneducation.

Downloaditintotheirhead,randomaccessthat

bitchincasualconversation.

YouknewAfromC.

Bwaswhatthepoorkidsdid,librariesandre-

searchandstudyingtheirassesoff,hardwork.

Bwaswhatheandshedidforfun,whatthey

weregoodat.

Gradstudentsinlovewiththebeginningofthe

end.

Thelastofadyingbreed.Atthecuspofgreatsignicant change.

She was the one who heard about it rst.

Therehadbeencasualtalkaboutthepossibil-

ityofsuchathing.Severalgadgetsweredoing

whatE/Dwouldeventuallydoonsomeprimi-

tiveembryoniclevel,wereedgingthatbleeding

line,becominganewstandard,forgingtheir

ownlineofobsolescenceintocasualconsumer

culture.Medicalbreakthroughswereeveryday

occurring,clinicaltrialsunderway,thetrend

emerging,thebuzzwordsbuzzing.

Shebroughtthethoughtintothatold

home and set them on re. The old man loved to

hatetheideaofit.Theyoungmanwasjust

apatheticandtalkingaboutitmadehimde-

pressed. She joked how shed be the rst on

theblocktotryitout.Whythefucknot.It

couldntchangeher,agadget,adevice.To

thinkofthepossibilityofitall.Endless

information, owing into your skull. The mind a

greatbigsponge,tobetappedinto,torecall,

totrivializeonawhim.Toknowsomething

instantly,orjustaboutwellenough.Itwas

alwaysthere,upthere.Harddata,awealthof

knowledge.

Literally,awealthofknowledge,asitwouldnotbecheap,thatwouldtakeyears.And

thesewerethedayswhentimemovedlikewild-

re. Knowing full well now of of the mistakes

oftheearlyadopters.Theywouldbethestuff

oflegend,thestupidhardwareglitchesand

technologicalfailures.Thehumanbiologyof

itallfailinginspectacularheadlinemaking

ways.

Buttheideawasdecisive.Shewasea-

gerfortheexperience,opentoit.Theoldman

reconciled,smiledtohimself.Hedstudied

fadsandtrends,livedthroughyearsofthis

crap,hypeandhyperbolethickwithadoles-

centaccumulation,azitofaworldchanging

idea.Butwhenitcamedowntoit,something

aboutE/Dscaredhim.Hehadearnedthatright

totremble,heemphasizedthistotheyoung

people.Herealizedhewastheoldman,thathe

had spent his life in pursuit of an inner re,

adepthofunderstandingwhichwouldbepassed

downnotbyonesandzeros,butbyalegacyof

eagerandwillingyoungminds,receptive.Fresh

theydcometohim,needinghisvoice,hispa-

ternityofthought.Thiswaswhohewas.Thiswashowhedgetoldanddie,dodderingatthe

podium,thoughtstrailingoffintotheaether,

themhalfasleeporraptwithattention,oneor

theother,thatiswhatmattered.

This was not to be, a dream that dies in fast

forward.

Hethoughtofhowhischildrenwould

learn,somedayfaroff.Hedidntwantto

thinkofallthewaysitcouldgowrong.Atage

eighteen,onecouldgettheimplant.Thecut

offpoint,highschool.Nowapublictrain-

inggroundforthebasicnecessitiesoflife.Ithadbeengoingthiswayforaslongasthey

couldseeback.Noshock,therichwouldsend

theirkidsofftoprivateinstitutions,clas-

sically modeled. To rene and develop grace

andstatureandpoiseandformality,toolsof

presencetodistancethemselvesevermorefrom

thelowerrungs,thedregs,thefootstools.The

poorwouldgototradeschools,totraintheir

bodieswithphysicalwork,whatamachinecould

notmachine.

Hewouldwantthebestforhiskids,

whateverthatwouldendupbeing,whatever

theywouldendupbeing.Hewouldkeepupwith

theJoneses,sellhissoulforhischildrens

future,becausethatwasthewayofit,theac-

ceptance he couldnt ght against any longer.

That was the ve year plan far off down

theroad.

Inthemeantime,hedhavetolivewith

bloodandtears,lessonslearnedandforgotten,

choicesnotobviousforcedfromheatedforsaken

moments,amyriadofscarringlefttohealin

strange conguration.

HewasfromArizona,thathotblistered

place,beautifulandbrokenfromsomuchexpo-

sure,constantanddreadful.Thepeople,liketheanimalsthatsurvivedovertheyears,had

becomeuglyandutilitarian,drabandunafraid.

Hewasoneofthosewhospenthishotdaysin

small,shadowedplacesnotquitecool,with

abookinfrontofhisface.Hewasofmixed

blood,likemosteveryoneelse,coloredbythe

sun,forgetfulofheritage,amoltedchild

whoseearlytenderskincameofflikescales,

hardenedlikesteeldrownedinwater.Hewould

walkthroughthisworldwithanoutstretched

shieldborrowedfromthepubliclibrary.Hewas

untouchable,holdingitoutinfrontofhim.

Theirwordsbouncedoffhim,itswordssoaked

8/6/2019 Weep for the Future

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throughhim,hewasinvisible,hewasscenery,

atrickofheatdistortedafternoonlight,he

waselsewhere,agawkyshimmer.

Heescapedfromtherewithabitof

surprise,itneverdawnedonhimuntilhewas

here.

Cold,dark,rainy,elsewhere,abus

ticketwithanarmyduffelbag.Filledwith

paperbacksmostly,andbluejeans.Another

world,likesomeplacehedreadabout.Every-

thingdifferent,butnothingimpossible.Hewasafraidtostartspeakingtothesepalepeople,

theirlanguagefamiliarlyalien.Butwhenhe

did,hefoundhehadavoicethatexcitedthese

newpeople.Theycamealivetohearhimspeak

inhisborderbeat,hisobliviousunformed

twang.

Hekeptonreadingforhimself,studi-

ousbecausethatwaswhathewasgoodat.He

learnedtobreakaparttheideasheldinside

thetextandformulatecriticalthinking.

Beforeheleft,ahighschoolhistory

teachertookhimtotheconveniencestoreand

boughthimfortyafterforty,whichtheysipped

slowlybyhistruck,anddivulgedthesecretofhisownlongoffeducation.

Ididntpayforagoddamnthing.Igot

alibrarycard.Readthebooks,snuckintothe

classes.Allwhileworkinginconstruction.

Madesomemoney.Theyllacceptyouasoneof

theirown,allyouhavetodoisthinktheway

theydo.Soreadasmuchasyoucan.Youcant

help but ll up on the greatness of it all if

youjustlookatitasthelifetimeyounever

gottolive.Itsallaboutperspective,put

yourselfintheauthorsshoes,trytounder-

standtheirwords.Becausewordsareaboutcon-

nection.Anddontreadcrap.Theressomuch

brilliantstuffyoullnevergettoreadinone

lifetimeasitis.Youvegottenaheadstart

alreadyonmostyourpissantclassmates.So

justkeepdoingwhatyouredoingandyoullbe

fuckingbrilliant.Guaranteed.

ShewasfromCalifornia,anddatedonly

girlsinhighschoolandwastryingboysnow,

butwasoftenseenmakingoutwithgirlsinthe

backsofmovietheatersandlaughinguproari-

ouslyatnothingthathadcomefromthescreen.

Sheandhedated,afterafashion.Shedshown

himofftobothherrecentlydivorcedestranged

parentswhohadcomevisitingondifferentdes-ignatedvisitingdays,luggedhimaroundonher

arm,proudtohavethisstrangeuglybeautiful

boyframeher.Shecouldlistentohimtalkall

nightlong,hecouldjustwatchherfallasleep

nightafternight.

Theystartedexploringeachotheraf-

terstayingupallnightwatchingoldmovies,

Cabaretwasherfavorite,shewasinlovewith

squeakingLizaMinelli,longdeadthatsassand

sexiness,throatylegsthatdisappearedinto

sequinedunderwear.Theywerespooningwatch-

ingwhenheplungedhishandinthebackofher

underwear,workinghiswaydown.

Shepassedonhertastetohim.Abstract

andhighlysexualasexual,inlovewithimage

andvitality,wordsspoken,sungandshout-

ed.TheyateMediterraneanfoodonthepatio

ofarestaurant,shetoldhimaboutherlast

girlfriend,toldhimhowshehadjusttaken

off,graduated,leavingthepoorthinghang-

ing,preparedhimtobedisappointedlikewise,

made explicit her ightiness, her indecision,

herlustforlife.Shewouldnotbetamed,no.

Shewouldnotbeburdenedbyanythingmaleatthispointinherlife.Shetoldhimnottoask

seriousquestions,toldhimshewouldbedat-

ingotherpeople,andifhehadaproblemwith

this,shedstopdatinghimandkeepdating

otherpeopleregardless.

Shewasdifferentandhopedhewasdif-

ferent.Shewouldmakenodemandsofhisheart,

asktoshareatinylittlebitoftimeonthis

hereearth,makeaconnectionbecausethatwas

whatmatteredintheend.

Hewasquietthroughallthis,hisface

tight,almostangry.Seeminglyhewantedto

slapher,becausehewasnotlikethis,this

wasnothisworld,nothisperspective.Hewaslimitedandcouldnotmakeherseehisone

trackmind,thegreathugedifferenceinper-

spective.Hewasformal,hewasrigid,hewas

smalltownnobodymadehalf-waygood.Hereshe

was making him helpless, making it difcult to

breathe.Sohewentalongwithit.Sheinter-

pretedhissilenceasacceptance.

Notes about what, he writes in BOLD, ugly, like

a shout out to no one.

Hepressedthemusictohisears.Stain-

inghisthoughtlikearuinedwash,everyar-

ticleofthoughtinfected.Hehadjustaccepted

aninvitetoanewstudentgroupformingon

campus. He was unsure about the afliation, but

positiveofhisposition,hisstanceregard-

less.Whyhehadagreedtocome,hefeltbacked

intoacorner,pressuredistheword.

Soheshowsup,lookinglikeachump.

Thedaywasglorious,unusualfortheseason.

Hehadenjoyedhimselfsinceblinkingaware,

almostforgottenaboutthepurelymentalat

thispointcommitment.Butthethoughtsprung

onhimoutofnowhere,remindinghimashewas

jauntingthroughthegloryoftheseason,fra-

grancelikeatrigger,thesightofbeautifulyoungpeoplesmotheringeachotherundertrees,

thespinningheadyswimmingqualityofrandom

association.Hewalkedtothelibrary,where

theydassembledinameetingroom.

Theyweremotleyofshapeandsizeand

temperament.Theangryhyperskinnygirl,the

endlesslyjokingfatboy,thederailedpast

theprimetrainwreckofgenderconfusion,

theclosetedintellectualfratboy,thechild

whoseparentwaitedelsewhere,andtheoldman

whoworesimplewhitelinens.Andhe,lostand

drunkoffsomuchthoughtandquietdisplaced

aggression.

8/6/2019 Weep for the Future

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Whatwashemadabout.Whenhesatdown

tothinkaboutit.Whichhetriedtoavoiddo-

ing.

Whatbroughthimhereatthishour,and

madehimtheirleader,whentheyhuddledto-

getherinparliamentaryprocedureagreementthe

weekafter.Helookedthepart,hesoundedthe

part,andsoheplayedthepart.

The part where he apologizes to everyone in-

volved.

DonWallerwasnotagoodmanifyou

takethesumofhisactionsinlifetogetheras

awhole.Hedidnotlivebythegoldenrule.He

was known as a erce human being, making single

motherscryinsupermarkets,lettingpeople

knowhowtrulydumbandpathetictheywerein

hiseyesandthusverilytheeyesofall.His

commandovertheEnglishword,language,utter-

ancenearlyabsolute,oftenwieldingandwaving

itlikeabloodydagger.

Hewouldsighaudiblywhenhewasnt

pleased.

DonWallerwasnotagoodman,buthewaseducated.

Hewasmarriedanddivorced,early,mid-

dleandlateinlife.Hehadchildren,forgot-

tenabout,whowouldappearoutofnowhereand

demandfacetime.DonWallerwouldstudythese

strangecreatures,theirmotherssometimesap-

pearinghatefullyoutofnowhere,beautifully

capturedatintervals,himselfneverrecogniz-

able.Becausehedidnotknowhimself.Hewas

alwayswhohewas,buthegaveitnothought,

whatmatteredwastheword,notthesechanging

faces.Hiddenlikeburiedtreasure,absolute

inhispursuit.Hisknowledgewoulddiewith

him,andlikethepiratecaptain,hewoulddie

happyknowinghisbootylaylonesome,scraps

scatteredtohisloyallieutenants.DonWaller

lovedwordsthatwerentwords,hisownspoken

human failings, which he wrote denitions for,

Hurm.Worthyofthought,butnotmuch,

nowletmedaydreamandforgetaboutyou

please.

Uhf.ThesoundImakewhenIamtired,

exhaustedandhavenothingelseleftto

say,Iamdevoid.

Wouf. Thesaidfeelingfeltinold

knees,theexhaleofsatisfactionafter

alongnightofdrinking,fuckingand

smokingalltogethernow.

Astudentwrotethiscritiqueofhiminaclass

evaluation,

ProfessorWallerisafuckingbastard.Agram-

marNazioftheworstkind,whichprobablygot

himtenurehere,huh?Hewroteonmymid-term,

I will FUCKING KILL YOU if you write something

thisbadeveragain.Hemeantit.Hewasnicer

tomethanotherstudents.Onegirlleftclass

intearsfourtimes.ProfessorWallercalled

heramasochist.Beforethathecalledherachild,anilliteratebum,anignorantgoon,and

alazyworthlessdraininclassroomdiscussion.

Hemeantit.Idrecommendthisclasstoallmy

enemies.Idtakethisclassagain,ifonlyto

seehimstrokeoutmid-rant.Still,hegetsmy

highestmarks,shovethisupyourpencilpush-

ingacademicbureaucraticasshole.Allhailthe

word.

Mistakes are like children, hard to take back.

Sohegotherpregnant,andshewasin

thehospitalbecauseoftheattack,onthe

vergeoflosingtheirbaby.Herheadwaswhitegauzedontherightsidewheretheelectric

drillhadgonein.Shewaswhisperingtoher-

selfwhenhehadcomein.Sherecognizedhim

andstartedcrying.Beforefallingasleep,

shedtoldhimaboutit,herwordsscrambled

brokenunfamiliar.Thedamagehadbeendone.

They were ying in a specialist. He consoled

heraftershewasasleep,pettingherforearm,

goingagainstthetinycleararmhairs,skin

pimpledincold,deep,druggedsleep.

Hewenttothepersonhethoughthad

doneit.Thefatboywhomadejokes.Theywere

sitting around a monitor, one of them had lmed

it.Theyinvitedhimtositdownandwatch,and

he did. He sat there quiet in reection. Let-

tingtheimagespourthroughhim.Hewassmil-

ing,crying,laughingwiththem,cursingthem

openly.Theygavehimatallbeer,whichhesat

andsipped.

Theywererapists.Hefelttherushof

humiliation,shame,utterlyunforgiving.They

brokeapartherbeautifulmind,ruinedher,

leftherspentandshaking.Therewasnogoing

back.Someofthemwouldbefoundout,incar-

cerated,diebecauseofthis.

Hecutoffhistiestothemthatnight.

Wentbacktohersideinthemorning,andwhenthesuncameupandtheycameintoadjusther

drip,shewokeupandhelistenedtoherweep.

Crackle like static electric, welcome to this

world of mine.

Mneme is a student at the hypothetical

School for the Underground Minds. Its work

has appeared elsewhere.

8/6/2019 Weep for the Future

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