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Codependency Understanding the cycle of
compliance and control
Micah Hammond, MAClinical Therapist
What is Codependency?
“an emotional, psychological, and behavioral condition that develops as a result of an individual’s prolonged
exposure to, and practice of, a set of oppressive rules – rules which prevent the open expression of feelings as well as the direct discussion of personal and interpersonal problems.”
-Robert Subby, Lost in the Shuffle: A Codependent Reality
Loss of Choice and Power
“It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability
to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. “- National Mental Health Association
...a dysfunctional relationship with the self
characterized by living through or for someone else.
Codependency is....
How does it get started?
Family experiencing emotional pain and
stress
Difficulty communicating or denial of problem
Learned repression of feelings leading to
defense mechanisms
Focus on “problem” person and
sacrificing of own needs
Dysfunction in the Family• Fear, anger & shame• Addiction• Perfectionism or pressure to
be perfect• Overly controlling or ultra-
responsible roles• Giving and resenting• Indirect communication• Difficulty asking for help• Abuse
Abuse: not just being hit
Abuse is any action that is harmful or controlling and that affects the well-being of another person.
•Violence and rage •Coercion and threats•Deliberate use of words or actions to belittle or shame•Unreasonable expectations •False affection •Offering of emotional or material ‘rewards’•Invasion or denial or privacy
How do I recognize codependency?
Three different patterns:1.Low self-esteem2.Compliance3.Control
“I had low self-esteem. I made poor choices. I never stood up for myself and put everyone before me. I was so needy for love, attention, affection...I did
whatever they wanted to get what I needed.”
Low Self-Esteem Patterns
• Pervasive sense of guilt• Not “good enough”• Embarrassed by praise• Don’t ask for needs or desires• Value other’s approval over own• Unlovable• Fall in love with anyone who
reaches out• Self-blame• Anxiety around intimacy
Compliance Patterns
• Compromise own values to avoid rejection or others’ anger
• Sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same
• Afraid to express differing opinion
• Falling apart so others will help• Remain in harmful situations too long• Accept sex when really want love
“All my life I slacked off and waited for
someone else to plot the course. Letting
myself become a doormat.”
Control Patterns• Attempting to “fix” others• Convince others what they “should” think/feel• Resentful when help is not welcomed• Give gifts with strings attached• Victimization or blaming• Have to be “needed”
“Being a victim and being in control was how I was
in power.”
Hidden Consequences
Emotional• Depression• Anxiety• Relationship dysfunctions• Cycling between
hyperactivity / lethargy
Physical• Gastro-intestinal
disturbances or ulcers• Migraine headaches• Non-specific rashes and skin
problems • High blood pressure • Insomnia or sleep disorders• Other stress related
physical illnesses
Role of Anxiety
Anxiety
World is dangerous. If I rely on someone whom I trust, then
fewer bad things will happen. I am not able to cope on my own.
Overdependence
World is dangerous. If I control everything
that happens and how others behave,
then less can go wrong.
Overcontrolling
How does overdependence become codependence?
So reliant on others they will always compromise
I can get used to getting my way
They value and need others
They make themselves available when others need company and fit in around them
They can make some people feel protective or superior
I like being needed and “fixing” your problems
I have a constant companion and don’t have to focus on my problems
I like having a purpose and saving you
Overdependent person Other person thinks...
How does overcontrolling create codependence?
Supervising too closely The world isn’t safe
Intrusive, wanting to know too many personal details
Making all the decisions, overriding decisions of others
Fixing the others’ problems
Overcontrolling person Other person thinks...
I have to tell you everything
I’m not capable of taking care of myself
There is something wrong with me
How can I do things differently?
• Redefine your relationship with yourself
• Accept yourself for what and who you are
• Communicate directly about your emotions
• Define what a healthy relationship looks like
• Don’t assume false roles• Don’t become the lifeline for
a needy partner or friend– assist that person in getting
the professional help he or she needs
Self Help v. Professional Help
Do• Find a support group and/or
therapist• Educate yourself• Talk with family, partner, or
friends• Realize that codependency
is just one aspect of a person
• Be patient – unlearning a pattern takes time
Don’t• Try to “fix” everything on
your own• Rely on books or other
people’s stories to guide recovery
• Add layers of guilt, shame or blame
Resources:• Codependent No More by
Melody Beattie
• Codependents’ Guide to the Twelve Steps by Melody Beattie
• Doormats & Control Freaks by Rebekah Lewis
• Difficult Personalities by Helen
McGrath, PhD • Facing Codependence by Pia
Mellody
Questions:1. How did this information change your understanding of codependency?2. How does your family deal with emotional pain and stress in positive ways? In
negative ways?3. How do you express your anxiety in negative ways? In positive ways? 4. What are the codependent tendencies that show up in your relationships? What are
the independent tendencies? 5. What is a pattern that you would like to change between you and your child? What is
a strength that you can build on?
Thank you for joining us this evening!
• Your participation speaks volumes to the dedication and love you have for yourself and your families..
• Contact Information: [email protected]
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