DEAR PEOPLE,

Without a (Noun) has returned, and we are all very excited. In fact, as I type this, I notice

that R.T. has soiled himself out of excitement. Oh! And look! D.S. is vacuuming out of

excitement. Oh and J.H. has wrapped herself up in a shower curtain and is shoving

pirogues down her face because she is so excited! And of course, A.S. has passed out in a

puddle of his own vomit, not because he was excited, but because he is lonely and drinks

a lot. I look very good and am very composed though because I am sophisticated.

In short, have fun reading this. We had fun writing it.

L.K.

!

Mark the Penguin does Chatroulette

Me: Do you have a salmon? Partner: Do you? Me: No, I would like one to eat. Partner: You are handsome. Me: You are handsome. Partner: Whoops! We entered text at the same time! Me: Ha ha ha.

Me: I drunke Partner: it’s 11am Me: mimosa mimsoa Partner: you are ridiculous Me: you Partner: okay….. Me: do you have a salmon? Partner: no… Me: are you a librarian?

Me: Ladies! Partner: are u a pinguin? Me: Yeah. You guys are pretty. Partner: ew perv Me: Two girls one penguin? Partner: as if Me: Show me your b00bs

Me: Did you get expelled? Partner: what? Me: For bringing your guns to school? Partner: ummm Me: Can I have two tickets? Partner: Wtf Me: …to the gun show? Partner: ummm Me: jk jk

Dear Friends and Colleagues,

I am writing to inform you that we have completed the new building project on campus;

even more exciting is that, at the last minute, we decided to merge the two buildings,

Tritton and Kim, into one, in hopes of reinforcing Haverford’s delusional obsession with

community. So, without further ado, I present to you Kitton Dormitory.

I would like to briefly address the rumors that we used up our funds on an excessively

large mound of dirt. The mound of dirt was very important and significant.

Though Kitton Dormitory is slightly smaller than expected, it will nevertheless be a cozy

and damp space for Haverford students.

I am incredibly proud of the completed product (pictured below). It is a lovely building

that will most definitely be sturdy in moderate, dry, warm weather. What an exciting new

addition to the Haverford community!

!

HOW I LOST MY SUMMER INTERNSHIP (BEFORE IT STARTED)

April 4, 2011

Dear Mr. Macintosh,

I am so honored to have been selected as your personal assistant

for the summer. I cannot tell you how much I look forward to

expanding my administrative experience.

Best,

Lulu

!

April 6, 2011

Dear Mr. Macintosh,

I am fast awaiting my first day at work with you! Just a

quick question—can I wear shorts that end mid-thigh?

Thanks very much,

Lulu

!

April 8, 2011

Dear Mr. Macintosh,

I am eagerly awaiting the start of my amazing

summer experience under your giant wingspan.

As an aside, I checked you out on LinkedIn, but

am having trouble finding you on Facebook. Is

the picture of the baby wearing a beret actually

you? I don’t want to friend the wrong Mr.

Macintosh.

Many thanks,

Lulu

!

April 12, 2011

Dear Mr. Macintosh,

With each day comes more excitement in my

mind for this summer. I Googled your name, and

found a band on MySpace with a person that has

the same name. The person sort of looked like

you. Is that you? The band is called “SEXCOP.”

Warmly,

Lulu

!

April 14, 2011

Dear Mr. Macintosh,

My grandmother took me shopping today, and I

saw some midi-length skirts (that were flowy rather

than structured). I thought that they would be a

good alternative for shorts. I didn’t buy the skirt,

but do you think I should?

Thank you for your invaluable advice,

Lulu

!

April 15, 2011

Dear Mr. Macintosh,

Still haven’t heard from you about the shorts! I keep

buying these pretty short shorts, and I’m just sort of

concerned that they are too short? Getting nervous! But

in a good way—nervous-excited.

Looking forward to hearing from you soon,

Lulu

!

April 20, 2011

Dear Mr. Macintosh,

I downloaded the “SEXCOP” album from

MediaFire. It sort of reminds me of Vampire

Weekend, but more adult. It’s just really

great.

All the best,

Lulu

!

April 27, 2011

Dear Mr. Macintosh,

By the way, I friended that person from Facebook with

the baby wearing the beret, but he hasn’t friended me

back yet. Is that you? If it is, you can accept now!

See you soon!

Lulu

!

TITLE: “MORNING GREETINGS”

From: “Dad”

Date: September 16, 2011 5:07:44 PM EDT

To: Danielle Simpson

Subject: IMG00063-20110916-1405.jpg

Hi Sammy - Nice having you around. Thanks for being so appreciative of my changing your litter

box and giving u treats every fucking morning u ungrateful pig!!

TITLE: “ON BEHALF OF THE CAT”

From: "Dad"

Date: December 14, 2009 9:47:14 AM EST

To: “Danielle Simpson”

Subject: Help me, please

My nails are 6 inches long and I am scratching Dad a lot - and I don't mean to! !Sat am????

TITLE: “PMS-ing”

From: "David Simpson"

Date: September 9, 2008 10:21:39 PM EDT

To: “Danielle Simpson”

Subject: IMG00022.jpg

Love from Sammy

TITLE: “ODE TO RACHEL RAY”

From: "David Simpson”

Date: August 6, 2009 1:10:56 AM EDT

To: “Danielle Simpson”

Subject: IMG00011.jpg Present on my bed, !Yummo!!

Abstract discussion will be held Wednesday, February 30 at 7 PM in Ryan Gym

Angelina Ballerina and Mary the Midwife An Honor Council Academic Trial

Introduction

Angelina Ballerina was having a bad day. She received a B- on an essay on which she was certain she

should have earned a solid B. She was downright mopey on her hall in Gummere when Mary the

Midwife approached her. Mary had just won the “Cheering” award at her track meet, and was nothing

short of elated. Needless to say, this interaction was doomed. A giddy Mary bounded into Angelina’s

room to tell her of her recent milestone. Wanting no part in the joviality of the moment, Angelina could

not maintain eye contact. As Angelina’s actions were obviously not in keeping with the spirit of the hall

nor that of the suite, Mary realized the need to take Angelina to Honor Council.

Angelina Ballerina’s statement

Having not yet found the right balance between parties and papers, Angelina had been struggling to

maintain her solid B average. Recently, she’d had a sip of “alcohol” before attending the 90’s dance in

Founders. When she got home that night, she “refocused” and “buckled down” on her Writing Seminar

paper on Kafka’s The Metamorphosis. Having been placed “in the highest level seminar, WS-D,”

Angelina was confident she would be able to explore her newly developing alcoholism while

maintaining her academics. Unfortunately for Angelina, that was a misguided thought. After receiving

the B-, Angelina was in no mood to discuss “something as frivolous as sports,” even though she knew

full well this award was a big deal. Thus, she could not maintain the gaze of her roommate, Mary.

Mary the Midwife’s statement

As a walk-on to the women’s track team, Mary sometimes felt insecure and never thought she’d see the

track. She was right, and she never made it onto the track. However, the way in which she cheered on

her teammates from the sideline was revolutionary, and earned her the coveted “Cheering” award. After

passing out in her own vomit from a combination of excitement and shock, Mary came to and pranced

directly from “the track” to her Gummere hall. She tore down the door along with all of the hall’s

thematic décor, and most likely got a concussion from running into the water fountain. Blinded by her

own euphoria, Mary soiled herself. Still in a euphoric haze, Mary sought out someone who could

comprehend the magnitude of her award.

Resolutions

Honor council deems it a responsibility of each Haverford student to maintain eye contact when it is

sought. All community members are equal, and each monumental occurrence in a Haverford student’s

life should be treated and acknowledged with the respect it deserves. We have decided upon the

following:

1. We suggest that Angelina Ballerina maintain eye contact with every person who seeks it for the

rest of her college career.

2. We suggest that Angelina Ballerina take a day or three to think about whether or not she can

maintain her partying ways and still excel in her “highest level writing seminar”

3. We suggest that Mary the Midwife contain the jubilation to a degree in which she steps inside a

hall-mate’s room instead of bounding into it.

4. We demand that Mary the Midwife subsidize three-fourths of the cost of the broken water

fountain and refrain from passing out in her own, or anyone else’s, vomit regardless of

circumstance.

5. We demand that Haverford students recognize that issues like this undermine the fabric of the

community and shred its integrity beyond recognition.

High fives all around!

A Somber Moment Amongst Pages of Levity

“It’s the best poem I’ve ever read”

“I haven’t taken a shit since”

“For four seconds, I was the shit-stained

Charmin”

During Fall Plenary 2011, Without a (Noun) held a Haiku contest, the prompt being: “If

Toilet Paper Could Talk.” We never imagined that we would be graced with the greatest

poem ever written, of all time. Chris Tyson, a junior East Asian studies major and

Maroon 5 enthusiast, is a phoenix who bursts through ashes with a poetic voice that Walt

Whitman would describe as Wordsworthian. Wordsworth would describe Tyson’s poetry

as “Cool.” If Jesus could write poetry, he wouldn’t, because Chris Tyson’s would be

better. We are not kidding when we say that this is the most impressive piece of writing

we have ever encountered. We advise reading this poem after everything else in the

magazine, as experiencing it leads to a paralyzing consciousness of the degradation and

quotidian wasteland through which we sift everyday. Sit down, brace yourself. Embrace

yourself.

-Chris Tyson, poet and prophet

The holidays are approaching so here are lists. Things that don’t sit well

4. A fajita burrito with chicken, tomatoes, the red-hot sauce, cheese and guacamole

($2.00 extra) 3. Arthritic dogs 2. 7 year olds 1. Fish Things I’m Glad I Sacrificed for the DC Juicer

4. Internet 3. S-Chords Holiday CD 2. Not having juice at lunch or dinner 1. Honey mustard Things Grandma Hates that you do to her

4. Pick the dog up from the groomer late 3. Switch out her classical music CDs with your dub step collection 2. Come home late blazed out of your mind and fuck with the clap-on lights 1. Make fun of the fact that grandpa’s dead, and you’ve still got your whole life

ahead of you

!

!

REASONS I FEEL LONELY

“I like being in the moment and taking pictures of people who I feel live in the

moment. It’s a lifestyle that I endorse. When taking pictures I try to just ‘be.’

Robbie gets that, feeds off of it, and that’s why the chemistry is so apparent in this

picture. It’s like he knew what he was doing, but didn’t at all, because he was just

doing it.”

-Alex Spiliotes, photographer

“I was trying to take a big shit in the toilet and I did it.”

-Robbie, model

Shirt: J Crew

Undershirt: American Apparel

Briefs: Gap

Pants: Banana Republic

Boat shoe: Sperry!

Note from the editor: The below email and attached poem was mistakenly sent to us, so we

decided to publish it. -LK

Dear Editors of With Nouns

Below you will find my poem that I am submitting to your literary magazine. I am in the tenth

grade at The Shipley School, but many, including myself, believe myself to be tragically mature.

I captain the school math team, and in my spare time, I read Finnegan’s Wake.

Best,

Leo Greenberg

The Woman I Love

Leo Greenberg

I am particularly fond of Alice Stein and

she unknowingly gives me many boners during the day.

It’s impossible to explain to my fellow peers what love is,

because they are still so simple and young, stuck

in the trivial world that is high school.

Their minds are on other things like school dances and

Breast Size.

Alice Stein has large and perfect breasts, by chance.

Once David Rubens and I were sitting in Math Accelerated and

we were seeing who could get a boner

first

without hands.

All I had to do was think of Alice Stein’s breasts and I was there

(Ms. Jacobs asked me what was so funny and I immediately lost it

because I heard Ms. Jacobs has a rectal cyst).

Once I was sitting in Math Accelerated and

I was thinking about Alice Stein’s glorious and supple mounds—

hidden beneath jersey, sometimes cotton, wool sometimes—

Oh Joy! How they are so simply two!

Alas, I forgot to swallow my spit,

and dampened Pascal’s Triangle.

Two circles!

So what, Alice Stein, if you are older and

your biological clock is ticking?

I’m mature, ready for fatherhood.

!

MY REAL LIFE PASSOVER :(

AUNT LINDA: Lulu! I haven’t seen you in years! Look how big you are! You’re so big

now! Where are you at school?

LULU: Haverford.

AUNT LINDA: Your brother is at Amherst isn’t he?

LULU: Yeah.

(Uncle Edgar approaches)

AUNT LINDA: Is he still a math genius? Edgar! Look who is here!

LULU: Hi Uncle Edgar!

UNCLE EDGAR: Where is your brother?

LULU: Probably still putting on his make up, ha, ha.

UNCLE EDGAR: And you’re not wearing make up?

LULU: No.

UNCLE EDGAR: Maybe you’re a lesbian.

(Aunt Barbara approaches)

AUNT BARBARA: Lulu! How are you?

LULU: Good! Aunt Barbara! I love your necklace.

AUNT BARBARA: Well, when I die it will be yours.

LULU: No. Aunt Barbara.

AUNT BARBARA: Yes, when I die, this will be your necklace.

LULU: Well, I guess I’ll have to wait a long time then ha, ha?

AUNT BARBARA: The moment we are born, we start dying.

LULU: Hmmm.

AUNT BARBARA: You will be getting all my jewelry when I die.

(Lulu’s brother, Ben enters. Spot light on him.)

BEN: Hel-LO everyone!

UNCLE EDGAR: Oh look! Ben is here!

AUNT LINDA: Ben! Look how handsome you are!

BEN: Yes, well, I take after my aunt and uncle. Ha, ha.

AUNT LINDA: Ha, ha!

UNCLE EDGAR: So handsome! A model.

AUNT LINDA: …. And Lulu! So… tall.

LULU: I’m 5’5”.

(Aunt Faye approaches)

AUNT FAYE: Lulu, what happened to you? You got so fat! You used to be so skinny.

Well, that’s the way the cookie crumbles. Where’s your brother?

(Aunt Bette approaches)

LULU: Aunt Bette! How are you?

AUNT BETTE: Lulu, suck in your stomach and smile.

AUNT BARBARA: Okay, okay, everyone sit down. Let’s start the Seder. Sit down, sit

down.

LULU: You called me fat, Faye.

AUNT FAYE: I said I liked your shoes!

LULU: No, you called me fat.

BEN: Faye, you’re looking a little fat yourself.

AUNT FAYE: Ha, ha, what a charmer.

!

LULU: Ha, ha, yeah Faye, you look fat.

AUNT FAYE: How dare you.

AUNT BARBARA: That was out of line Lulu.

(Pause)

AUNT LINDA: Lulu, are you wearing a good bra?

LULU: What?

AUNT LINDA: You better wear a good bra, because, because you’ll be able to play

soccer with those in a few years.

AUNT FAYE: You’ll be able to tuck them into your belt.

BEN:

(Farts loudly)

Farted.

(Everyone laughs)

(Ben puts his hands under his bum, and then shoves his hands in LULU’s

face)

LULU: Oh my god.

AUNT FAYE: Linda, isn’t your daughter dating that handsome boy now? A Jew…

Jacob. I can’t remember the last time she was single—

AUNT BETTE: Lulu, you’re still single right?

LULU: Yeah.

AUNT BARBARA: Well then you really ought to buy a better bra.

BEN

(Farts loudly)

Farted.

(Everyone laughs)

(Ben puts his hands under his bum, and then shoves his hands in LULU’s

face)

AUNT LINDA: Ben, you should teach Lulu how to work out. Lulu, what do you do in

your free time?

LULU: I smoke a lot of crack.

(Silence for a long time)

(Ben leans to the left and farts)

BEN: It was Lulu.

UNCLE EDGAR: That’s disgusting.

END OF PLAY.

The Fashionable Squirrel presents

CONTRIBUTORS and their spirit animals

LULU KRAUSE

DANIELLE SIMPSON

ALEX SPILIOTES

ROBBIE THOMPSON

JULIA HOFHEIMER