{bullwhip}

sxth edtn

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Everything by Liam Bolton in February 2012

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Go to http://www.liam-bolton.co.uk for the whole caboodle.

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mini wig Men go small bald. Men cry. What wrong men? Mini Wig new. It cover small bald. You feel joy. Shhhhhhh tiny bald, be men now! Sex-out and hope for you! Spend on Mini Wig and nod head to life! Bright with Mini Wig, tears with none! this is how you picture the world

revolution • Fight the power immediately! • Don’t just sit there: revolution! • Your positions are untenable, world leaders! • Come on, yesssssss! Let’s have it! • Forget voting, try to not be such a sheep all your life! • School is for losers: Marx just went the library!

2012’s hot-and-not-hot picks

what’s for tea?

EPOCH RESPONSE

1750s, Paris “Merde!” 1810s, Ireland “Jacket potato and shite, if you aren’t

careful!” 1900s, London “Poo casserole. Now go away!”

1980s, New York “Shit on rye and you’ll like it!” 2040s, Space “Faeces from the toilet haaaaaaaaaaa.”

Jeeps®

Anders

Brevik

phone battery runs out (minutes)

08:17 — Wake up and notice that even though you thought

you put your phone on charge before you fell asleep you didn’t turn the plug on.

08:18 — Lean over and switch the plug on. Get up. 08:26 — Desperate for interaction of any sort you switch on

the phone, toothbrush hanging out of your mouth. 08:26 — No texts. Put the phone down, leave room. 08:45 — Race around room, flustered. Remove charge cable

from phone, leaving plug on. Put phone in pocket. Leave room, leave house. Phone battery is red.

09:12 — Take phone out of pocket and place quietly on desk. Switch PC on. Say sheepish “Morning” to the people around you. Smile when one says “Afternoon...” to you.

09:20 — Leave phone on desk when going off for surprise meeting with boss.

09:32 — Return. Pick up phone and check for messages while red-faced.

10:16 — Knock phone accidentally with hand. 10:55 — An unknown number calls. Pick up phone, hold it

under the desk and allow to ring out. Happens twice. 11:22 — All bars disappear from battery display. 12:23 — “Battery power low” graphic appears and phone

vibrates. 12:28 — “Battery power low” graphic appears and phone

vibrates. 12:33 — “Battery power low” graphic appears and phone

vibrates. 12:34 — Pick phone up, put in pocket, leave desk.

12:38 — “Battery power low” graphic appears and phone vibrates.

12:41 — Send a text to Chris Trint about seeing a blonde co-worker drop her tray in the work canteen like she was in school or something except that no-one laughed and people helped her with it and stuff.

12:43 — “Battery power low” graphic appears and phone vibrates.

12:44 — You pick up phone to send another text but the battery is flat. You say “Oh!” and put the phone in your pocket, thinking how it normally lasts a lot longer. Tap your fingers on the table and blow out your cheeks until you’re sure no-one is looking at you because of the “Oh!”, then carry on eating.

16:22 — You check your phone again, forgetting. primetime courtroom programme

DEFENDANT: But if I confess, they’re going to shoot me so hard...

COUNSEL 1: Fuck, I hear you. DEFENDANT: So is there nothing we can do? COUNSEL 2: It depends. Do you really want to see these men brought to justice?

DEFENDANT: [Crying.] Uh huh. COUNSEL 1: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaay! COUNSEL 2: Brilliant! DEFENDANT: Can you guarantee my safety if I do...? COUNSEL 1: Oh yeah. Really easy... ily. I’ll do that. DEFENDANT: [Overjoyed.] Superb! Yes!

the helpful demonic soul of ed helms

epistle

Remember—if you a shredder shredder won’t know to be less loud than it normally is, so be careful you don’everyone up, guys

Dearest Mother, Why did my love have to die in another bus accident? It isn’t fair, that’s the third time now. Her chest got by the wheels, it was bad. Why is my love so unlucky?! ideas?! As you know, she’s died 6 times overall murdered once. I really think it’s too much. Doctors say she’s a fighter. But what will the children say when I tell them their mum’s died again? They’ll say “nnnnnnnnnnno!”, I know they will. Oh, poor me and the old kids. Give me prayers. Your son, Li’l

You should really try to cut down on your drinking. Three or four after work on a Tuesday is not good for you

helpful demonic soul of ed helms

if you will use at night, the

won’t know to be less loud than it normally is, so be careful you don’t wake

, guys!

e have to die in another bus accident? It isn’t fair, that’s the third time now. Her chest got imploded

unlucky?! Any overall and been octors say she’s

a fighter. But what will the children say when I tell them They’ll say “nnnnnnnnnnno!”, I know

kids. Give me prayers. i’l Frederick

You should really try to cut down on your drinking.

glasses of wine after work on a Tuesday is not good for you, hun.

magic 8 ball outcomes

POSITIVE DEFLECTIVE NEGATIVE Absolutely Not now Absolutely not Yes Yes in due time [?] Forget about it A definite yes Who knows Don’t bet on it Go for it You’ll have to wait Are you kidding Looks good to me Too early to predict My sources say no Probably [?] Probably [?] I have my doubts Looking good Outlook so so You can count on it

Big thanks to the research team on this. Semper fi!

poem about joy

All I know is (soon) human beings will be attacked by vastly superior alien intelligences, intent on stealing the carbon from our bodies, leaving us to die without that carbon. Which is great. snap (binary)!

0101010101010101010101010101010101010101010101010101010101010101010101010101010101010101010101

01010101010101010101010101010101010101010101010

10101010101010101010101010101010101010101010101

01010101010101010101010101010101010101010101010

10101010101010101010101010101010101 -No winner.

the following people are turning in

their graves

Lauren Hill, Leonardo DiCaprio, her out of Aqua, Steve McManaman, Shaznay Lewis, Beth Jordache, Ricky Martin, Sarah M. Gellar, Caroline Aherne, Brandy & Monica. wedding jokes

What d’you call a gay priest? A vicar. For a change, one wedding hired Usher to be their usher, but it backfired when paparazzi ruined the day. “I’m so sorry about all this...”, Usher said. “I never wanted any of this...” What d’you call a drunk, dancing uncle? A taxicab, and fast! What d’you call a dog that gets married? A love-Alsation. The bride and groom are having their first dance. When she leans her head on his shoulder she notices the unmistakeable scent of her best friend’s perfume. She whispers, “have you noticed how nice Joanne looks...? She looks really nice, don’t you think...?” He replies, “yeah, everyone looks nice. God, especially Joanne. She looks great, much better than you do, today and normally.” And the bride wonders why she ever brought it up. What d’you call a wedding without music? A (crap) funeral.

i work and i work and i work and i

work.

work. I work and I work and I work oh yes I work and I work and I work. www.letsinsultericdrexler.com

You’re so cheap you break up with your wife the day before her birthday and get back together the day after. Mrs. R. Roberts, Hants. � 4 � 96

I’ve never even heard of you. Mr. T. Grull, London � 151 � 57

Brrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiinnnnniiiiiiiaaaaaac! P. Centin, Northumbria � 418 � 30

your fat.your a fat cunt.your head is massive and your a fat old cunt. Anon, Anon � 5 � 922

Nano-dick :-D R. Kurtz, California � 1366 � 19

I work and I work and I work. I work and I work and I work and I work. I work and I work and I work oh yes I work and I work and I work and I work. I work and I work and I work. I work and I work and I work and I

advert

cereal

HOW YOU MAKE PORRIDGE

Get a bowl. Get a spoon. Get milk

Get oats and at once pour them and the milk into the bowl. Answer the phone. It’s a call-centre, make up an excuse.

Plug your microwave in (not ROI). Put your nose on the rim of the bowl and sniff.

Put the bowl in the microwave. Open the door.

Put the bowl in the microwave. Set it high and wait. Eat the porridge with raisins! Repeat.

banksy strikes again

Thumb Index Middle

“WHO’S SATIRISED THESE FINGERPRINTS RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF A MURDER INVESTIGATION?!!” life preserver

“Blubblu-help me!-blubblub-arrrrrrrrgh!-blubbl...” “Oh my God, are you okay?!” “Blubblubblublublublubblub...” “Oh shit, I think she’s drowning! Grab onto this!!!” “Blubblubbublub-I can’t see!-blubblub...” “Grab it... grab it!!!” “Blubblublublublublub...” “You’re in it just... just grab it...” “Blubblub!” “Just put your arms out straight in any direction!” “Blub!”

quiz show

‘Contestants will be asked the same question, and will light up to answer. Red, please test your light for me. Very good. Now Blue. Thank you. Okay, let’s play Lights Up!’ [Audience applauds.] ‘First question: Who is—’ “John Hurt!” ‘No, that’s incorre—’ “John Terry, then. God!” ‘You can only answer once.’ “Shut up!” “You shut up, Blue light!” ‘Yeah!’ “Ha you’re ganging-up on me like fannies!” [Audience laughs and applauds.] ‘The answer was Anthony Hopkins.’ “Oh, I might have known that!” “You would! Look at you.” [Audience laughs then boos Red.] ‘Come on everyone, stop this...’ [Audience boos.]

“Booooooooooooooooooo! I’m booing you. Booooo!” [Audience laughs, though some are still booing.] japanese yoghurt brands

French-set. Popular in most

prefectures.

Imported. A bold taste, with a nutty

smell.

The famous tennis yoghurt.

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murder mystery - SOLVED

A beautiful young 21-year-old woman is found dead, and with her neck broken, an empty can of delicious Diet Sprite® in her left hand. “At least we know she was refreshed before she died,” Detective Tallis, who’d served 10 years on the force, said. “I’m glad.” Overhead, a Coke® advert hummed pleasantly, sombrely. “Call this in, Sergeant!” barked Tallis, who was in no mood to stand in the pissing rain. Sergeant Cropter raced over, all brio and Icy Lemon Fanta®, his cell phone switched on. “Jesus...” he said on looking at the body. “Her neck’s horrific... Her head’s completely turned around so her face is by her back!” “Hahaha!” said Tallis, “You’ll make a great Detective. I want you to call this death in, it may be a murder. But first I want you to text my daughter, she’s 17 and at a Dr Pepper® pick-up party.” “Okay,” answered Cropter, nodding. “Okay. Say, ‘Hi honey, stop having fun at that amazing party and go home, I’m worried for your safety. There’s Schweppes® lemonade in the fridge, remember.’ Read that back to me.” cymru!

Here’s phrases to survive in Wales the land of our fathers! “Araf!” – Slow! “Kartio!” – Karting! “Cymru!” – Wales! “Caer!” – Fortress!

hy-heels

1)

2)

Just a normal shoe, right? Wrong, you moron! Absolute prick.

It works off hydraulics (the heel). Anyway, whatever. Giz me money. Giz me money.

i’ve got my own show on radio

I just go “chkkkkkkkkkkkkkk-ssssssssssssssssssssssssschkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk” so people think they’ve turned over to static. It’s really parodic. Taking the piss out of those bloated idiots who do radio and think, you know, people want to listen to them. Get real. stock market

£ $

₧

It works off hydraulics . Anyway, Giz me

money. Giz me money.

radio

sssssssssssssssssssssssss-chkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk” so people think they’ve

parodic. Taking the piss out of those bloated idiots who do radio and think, you know,

₧ €

people generally dislike ants

SHRINK: Close your eyes, please, Jane. JANE: Okay. [Closes them.] SHRINK: Imagine you’re in your house, in the kitchen, tidying up. How does this make you feel?

JANE: Calm. Centred and calm. SHRINK: Okay, good. [Pause.] Now you look to your left, and you see a single ant—

[JANE goes completely mental, smashing everything up.] FIANCÉE: Would you love me if my eyes exploded...? FIANCÉ: I would. FIANCÉE: Would you love me if I forgot who you were...? FIANCÉ: I would. FIANCÉE: Would you love me if nothing about me worked the way it was supposed to?

FIANCÉ: I would, you know I would. Why are you asking me these things?

FIANCÉE: I don’t know. Sometimes I just... worry. FIANCÉ: Don’t be daft! Come here... [They kiss. They’re ants.] WEATHERMAN: And this easterly front will be bringing more rainfall, so try to stay indoors for that.

KID WATCHING TV: I hate the way it rains ants now. KID’S DAD: [Disinterested.] Mmm. [The sound of rain hitting the roof starts up. The KID shakes his head, heartbroken.]

what are they looking at...?

i’ve got a hundred tv’s all playing

the same thing at the same time

It’s just loud, really. selection from my everyday notebook

There’s a man in Liverpool Central Library that looks like Chris Farley. There’s a woman who works in one of the Sayer’s that’s got Alan Sugar’s eyes. I know some fella who goes “urrrrrrrrrrr” when he’s eating. Old straight men love young gay men who work in pubs, I’ve noticed. There’s a girl by ours whose body can’t handle milk, like it’s hard.

fantasy football

I’m starting an internet site online that will give people who do Fantasy Football the full management experience. Going to scour the fake leagues and pour scorn on real peoplemaking out that wives are whores and that sons are disappointments. For too long these people have gotaway with the bad sides of football management, anddon’t think that’s very fair. hierarchy

Iran...?

Popcorn

Films

about dogs

Difficult

burps

tarting an internet site online that will give people who experience. Going

our scorn on real people, sons are

le have gotten away with the bad sides of football management, and I just

Chest of

drawers

Ozone