Courtney Wick’s Intimately Condensed & Awesome Review/Recap of The Walking Dead, Season 1- 2 ½:* With EXTREME SPOILERS and PICTURES! LOOK GUYS! I learned how to put words onto pictures! COMPUTER SAVVY! The Walking Dead is your favorite show with a fuck ton of zombies and endless ammunition. (Seriously, where DO all of those bullets come from?) It’s got everything a good show demands: intestines, fun stereotypes, pit stains, and the entire cast from that crap movie The Mist. Do you need roughly 17,000 squished, eye-ball blood sound effects? YOU’VE COME TO THE RIGHT PLACE! Let’s get started! Rick Grimes is a spicy, small town sheriff who wakes from a coma to find the world sucks a big fat zombie dick. He is played (brilliantly) by Andrew Lincoln who looks much less Jew-y since Love Actually. Nose job aside, his acting chops are spot on. He leads a rag-tag group of survivors from a brutal world into impossible safety. HAHAHA! Just kidding, everybody dies. EVERYBODY DIES. Literally every decision he makes kills somebody. It’s hysterical. ALL DEAD. Do not get attached to anybody. Don’t even bother. Dead. Rick’s best/worst friend is a white jerry-curled cop named Shane. Shane is a fucking loose cannon and has a propensity for bangin’ Rick’s wife whether she wants to or not. He also never fully closes his mouth and his ears are in the middle of his face, making him look less like a cop and more like a short-bus candidate. Rick kills Shane because Shane can’t stop acting like a little bitch.
Transcript
Courtney Wick’s Intimately Condensed & Awesome Review/Recap of The Walking Dead, Season 1- 2 ½:* With EXTREME SPOILERS and PICTURES! LOOK GUYS! I learned how to put words onto pictures! COMPUTER SAVVY!
The Walking Dead is your favorite show with a fuck ton of zombies and endless ammunition. (Seriously, where DO all of those bullets come from?) It’s got everything a good show demands: intestines, fun stereotypes, pit stains, and the entire cast from that crap movie The Mist. Do you need roughly 17,000 squished, eye-ball blood sound effects? YOU’VE COME TO THE RIGHT PLACE! Let’s get started!
Rick Grimes is a spicy, small town sheriff who wakes from a coma to find the world sucks a big fat zombie dick. He is played (brilliantly) by Andrew Lincoln who looks much less Jew-y since Love Actually. Nose job aside, his acting chops are spot on. He leads a rag-tag group of survivors from a brutal world into impossible safety. HAHAHA! Just kidding, everybody dies. EVERYBODY DIES. Literally every decision he makes kills somebody. It’s hysterical. ALL DEAD. Do not get attached to anybody. Don’t even bother. Dead.
Rick’s best/worst friend is a white jerry-curled cop named Shane. Shane is a fucking loose cannon and has a propensity for bangin’ Rick’s wife whether she wants to or not. He also never fully closes his mouth and his ears are in the middle of his face, making him look less like a cop and more like a short-bus candidate. Rick kills Shane because Shane can’t stop acting like a little bitch.
Lori is Rick’s wife and she’s whatever. Lori gets pregnant and thinks that taking a MORNING AFTER PILL will abort the baby. At least the writers are kind enough to placate anybody over the age of 12 with the line, “will that even work?” She dramatically pukes up the “abortion pills” and decides to keep the baby…in a world filled with zombies…where they may die at any moment…without medical care… Needless to say Lori’s got a nice house but nobody’s home, if ya know what I mean? She dies giving birth to little RickShaney JR. (we don’t know who the real father is… HOW DELICIOUS!)
Lil’ RickyShane is in trouble though, because Rick Sr. has a bad case of “dead beat dad” syndrome. He’s literally off beating the dead and getting imaginary phone calls:
RING RING RING!!RICK: HELERR!?PHONE: Hellooooo!RICK: Who is this?PHONE:.……YOUR CRAZY BRAIN!!
Carl is Rick’s son. Here is Carl’s entire existence for season 1 and 2: GODAMMIT CARL, YOU RUIN EVERYTHING!! YOU BASICALLY KILLED DALE!! WHY DO YOU SUCK SO HARD?! YOUR FACE LOOKS LIKE A CHUCKY DOLL! I HATE YOUR FACE, CARL! GET IN THE HOUSE, CARL! GET IN THE FUCKING HOUSE!!! Dammit, Carl… Just… DAMMIT.
And then in Season 3: Carl! Your hair is so long and just SCREAMS rugged zombie killer. You’ve aged 3 years in 7 months and you’re suddenly an expert shot. Maybe that stupid hat is MAGIC, which would explain you never taking it off, ever. Did you jump into a time machine? Because that is the fastest character development ever recorded.
Can we talk about Daryl yet? Oh Daryl. Daryl, Daryl, Daryl you MINX. With his crossbow and leather pants he’s basically Buffy the Zombire Slayer, but SEXIER. He is portrayed with charm and skill by Norman Reedus, who you may or may not have seen at Comic-Con two years ago and DIDN’T EVEN GO UP TO because you were busy with Patrick Stewart, but you are now KICKING YOURSELF. : Sigh: If all it takes to be with Norman Reedus is a little zombie apocalypse, you say so be it. “OH NO, NORMAN REEDUS are we the last two people alive on earth?? What.A.Shame……………………………..Take your top off.”
Merle is Daryl’s brother, and he uses vocabulary like “rug-muncher” which makes him awesome but unpopular. Turns out you can’t commit a hate-crime these days without gettin’ chained to a rooftop and left to die. SO LAME. Luckily for Merle he’s got just enough cocaine in him to be totes cool with chewing his own hand off. HAHA! RIGHT?! It’s absurd but you don’t care. You love every minute of Merle, you sick fuck.
There’s also a black guy, you don’t remember his name because he’s just the fat black guy (2 stereotypes in 1, how efficient). He needs more lines if he expects to last until season 4, and oh look he’s dead.
Hold on we get a NEW, fat black guy. Rick was against it initially, but realizing his old fat black guy was dead he’s like, “FINE. You’re in. I’m not going to be the ONLY hero without a fat black guy, dammit.” But a while later the new fat black guy dies too, BUT DON’T WORRY because ANOTHER fat black guy shows up IN THAT EXACT episode. This guy has a beard though so that’s new... OH! You just remembered one of the black guy’s names is T-Dog. Make that 3 stereotypes, CHA-CHING! The first living human Rick meets in episode 1 is wait for it, also a fat black guy. It looks like SOMEBODY’S got a type. Don’t worry Rick; it’ll be our little secret.
Next up is Andrea. YUCK. YOU HAAAAAATE ANDREA. She’s a self-proclaimed tough girl who apparently can find hair-dye amidst the violence to keep her blonde roots lookin’ FRESH. Also she’s the worst. Her favorite past-times are pretending she’s a bouncer, and hitchin’ her vagina to the worst guy around. The group leaves her behind to die at the end of season 2 (fucking FINALLY) but then Darth Vader shows up with her zombie nugget twins and saves her (dammit). Darth Vader is the most sour faced samurai chick you’ve ever encountered. Do you want her to trust you? TOO BAD! Because she will SKEPTICAL you to DEATH.
Andrea, Darth & the twins stumble upon a secret-y survivor town called Pleasantville, and Andrea promptly shoves her zombie-infested crotch into the face of their Governor, A.K.A Indiana Jones. You don’t know exactly why Gov. Indiana Jones is a douche, but you know he’s supposed to be. Laws are so different in ZombieWorld it’s hard to decipher what’s right and wrong. Apparently having a fish tank full of heads is bad, but is it really? These people live in utter hopelessness so if having a corpse aquarium makes you feel better, fucking go for it! Who gives a rip?
Regardless, Governor Indiana Jones is Rick’s doppelganger and he even has his own “doppelganger Rick-team”: Merle, Fat Black, and a hipster Asian. HIS Asian has a trash-stache though, so the Gov. clearly wins that round. Governor Indiana Jones also has a daughter named Penny wh-OH GOD SHES A ZOMBIE! A FUGLY KID ZOMBIE! This is easily the worst and creepiest kind of zombie. Darth Vader Samurai kills Pennywise and puts a piece of fish tank glass through Indiana Jones’ eye (cue squished eye-ball blood sound effect #4,572) in the most intense fight scene to date. WHEW, close one.
There are some other characters; an old lesbo named Carol, Herschel Half-Leg, Prisoner Mustachio who is sure to die soon, and Glen the Asian with his farm-faced Maggie. Carol is OK, but the rest you could do without. You realize Glen and Maggie are imperative members of the tribe, but every time a zombie shows up you find yourself quietly chanting “Eat Glen & Maggie! Eat Glen & Maggie!” Maybe it’s a you problem…
In the mid-season finale the group’s in Pleasantville to bust out Asian Glen and his gal. They’ve been taken prisoner by Merle, who has since replaced his hand with a Ginsu bayonet. There’s lots of tear gas and shooting, but the team manages to get those two to safety. UNFORTUNATELY, they leave behind Daryl who is much more important and WHO CARES ABOUT FUCKING GLEN AND MAGGIE WHEN DARYL IS IN TROUBLE!? DAMMIT, CARL!
Merle told Gov. Indiana Jones that he had killed pesky Darth Vader Samurai, so the Gov. was none too pleased with him. We end with the Governor turning the entire town of Pleasantville against Merle and Daryl in his WWZ fighting ring. There’s some great acting when the brothers see each other, though it’s hard to recognize over the crowd screaming “KILL THEM!” Meanwhile Andrea is just spinning in circles and waving her gun around like an idiot, per the yooshz.
Worst-case scenario? Daryl is killed and you stop watching the show. BEST CASE SCENARIO? Daryl & Merle fight off the entire town, Andrea is trampled to death and Daryl rejoins the group to make sweet lesbian love to Carol. The Governor will have to live either way, because he’s going to have an eye-patch now. And there’s no way to kill off a bad guy before he gets his eye-patch. It’s scientifically impossible.
The Walking Dead is a fucking great show. It has something for everyone, as long as you enjoy squirting wounds and blood puddles. See you all in February!
